First, and most important, Montana drinks the Kool-aid:
Hiiii! Everyone, turn and wave at Whitehall, Montana! Hii!
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Having successfully terrified the individual from Montana, I turn to other new news:
The family doctor has declared Mom's elbow a bursa. The treatment? Ignore it for a few months. Try not to use that elbow, which mind you is virtually the only working part of Mom's body. At least my cyst is getting some high-tech attention.
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And to the old news:
Every few years for the last twenty, Gary and I would get a phone call from those hunting for a Mr. Gary X. S________.
My Gary, Mr. Gary E. S________, would assure the caller he is not the Gary they want. He is usually met with skepticism, because:
1. The Other Gary is not listed in the phone book; my Gary is.
2. Doppelganger Gary has a wife named Elaine (more on how I know this later).
3. The phone book mistakenly lists me as Elaine.
4. The caller is trying to get Doppelganger Gary to pay up.
Most phone calls start with, "Hi, Is this the Gary S_________ who owns [popular local business]?" and continue on to "What do you intend to do about this outstanding balance / bounced check / overdue payment?"
"No, really," Gary says, "That's the other Gary. I swear. I don't own [popular local business]. I'm a computer programmer."
Usually Gary points to the middle initial, and since the caller just flopped open the phone book this is convincing enough to end the call.
Gary gets the money collection calls; I get the fun calls. The social calls. The calls for Mrs. Doppleganger.
"Hello, is this Elaine?"
"Ellen."
"The Elaine who is married to Gary S________?"
"Ellen, but yes."
"Oh, Hiiiiii! How aaaaaare you? We need to know your address so we can put it on the invitations to your baby shower."
I pause. "No. No you don't. I think you have the wrong Mrs. Gary S________."
"No ... this is the number Laura told us to call. You're Elaine S_______, right, Gary's wife?"
"I'm Ellen. I can assure you I am not pregnant. You want the other Gary S_______'s wife."
"Are you sure?"
"I can not believe you are arguing with me about this."
"But Laura said..."
"No, you have the wrong person. Bye now."
Honestly, I don't think I convinced them, and I did wonder why they were throwing a baby shower for a woman whose address they didn't know. However, I did receive a nice "Congratulations on your new baby!" card a few months later.
Almost a month after that, I got a call from a young girl looking for Gary S_______.
"He's not here right now," I said, not realizing immediately she wanted the other Gary S______. "Could I take a message?"
"Well, just tell him Shauna called."
"Um, Shauna, okay .... do you work with Gary?"
"No, but I met him in a bar last night and he said to give him a call if there was ever anything I needed."
(Oh, Shauna, Shauna.) "Oh, you want the other Gary S_____. My Gary wasn't at a bar last night. I'm positive. He was here. All night." (He was, we stayed up past closing time. And my Gary wouldn't be talking to a Shauna. Hmm. Of course, if he did, he would offer to help.) "Are you sure it was last night?"
"Oh, yeah. We talked a long time. I just assumed he was the one in the phone book. I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed."
"No, don't be, we get these calls all the time. Especially since his wife's name is a lot like mine."
"Wife! Wife?" (A pause, during which Shauna becomes a woman.) "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. A month ago I got a card meant for his wife congratulating me on our new baby."
"No way. No way."
(I felt like dirt, but happily my esteem for Other Gary was lower than dirt. Serves him right, I thought. I hope Shauna runs into him again at the bar and throws a drink in his face.) "Sorry," I said.
"No, it's okay. Bye."
DoppleGary has kept his nose clean for about ten years now. That's why when Gary's bank, Bank of America, left a message on our machine requesting he resolve his overdue balance, I assumed it was my Gary. Gary emailed me today that it looks like Other Gary is up to his old tricks creative money flow redistribution.
This also means I need to correct my credit report (yet again) to remove the name "Elaine" that keeps popping up on it. Seriously, doesn't anyone ever look at middle initials?
No, people don't look at the middle initials and they don't cross-check social security numbers either. Waaay back in the early 80's I was working on a matter with an attorney. A couple weeks after retaining him, I get a nasty letter from his office saying that he can't work my case because I had already rectified my problem by using another attorney. WTF? Turns out it was someone else in MO with my same name and same sort of problem. If he would have checked our addresses and Soc Sec numbers, he would have seen that we were not at all the same person. Stupid lawyers.
Posted by: KC | December 13, 2007 at 10:41 AM
You missed a S_____ close to the end. Unless you didn't, then nevermind :)
Posted by: Jhianna | December 13, 2007 at 01:36 PM
I know I gave you a hard time about the Montana dig before, but I've been to Whitehall. I'm surprised they have electricity there to power their computers. Seriously, here is the picture that comes up when you google it: http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genInfo.php?locIndex=27852
Perhaps they power things with a stationary bike, like Ed Begley Jr.?
Posted by: Carrie | December 13, 2007 at 02:21 PM
I know I gave you a hard time about the Montana dig before, but I've been to Whitehall. I'm surprised they have electricity there to power their computers. Seriously, here is the picture that comes up when you google it: http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genInfo.php?locIndex=27852
Perhaps they power things with a stationary bike, like Ed Begley Jr.?
Posted by: Carrie | December 13, 2007 at 02:22 PM
I did not mean to post that twice. Sorry. I obviously got overly excited at the thought of the Begley on a bike.
Posted by: Carrie | December 13, 2007 at 02:23 PM
KC - Sheesh. I'm planning that tomorrow will be the day I un-Elaine myself from the credit reports and white pages. What's really dumb is that the callers are so trusting. If someone is not paying bills, why would they assume they don't lie.
Jhianna - THANK you. It's fixed. Too bad I'll have to kill you now.
Carrie - Dang, that place is flat. I can see Ed B. pedalling down that road. It's an exciting idea.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 13, 2007 at 02:55 PM
Hi, Montana!
I had a series of interesting phone calls when I lived in Jeff City. I don't remember the woman's name, but she had bad credit, overdrawn accouts, abandoned storage lockers, a DFS investigation, and a drunk guy waiting for her at a pay-by-the-hour hotel.
Posted by: Caroline | December 13, 2007 at 08:24 PM
Caroline - not one hour ago did we get another call for DoppleGary. He isn't in the hotel yet, but he does seem to be on the lam or something.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 13, 2007 at 08:33 PM
LOL - I promise, I'm not an internet stalker! And I have a really bad memory, honest!
Posted by: Jhianna | December 14, 2007 at 11:03 AM
We got repeated calls looking for my husband's ex-wife. I pretty much put them off until they call MY parents looking for her. The next time the collections people called, I said, "Here, let me get you her number. And her mother's number. And the number of her employer." They finally tracked her down and are now wage garnishing her to the tune of $6,000. WooHoo!
Posted by: Sherry | December 14, 2007 at 11:08 AM
I have no middle name, that's why, when I reviewed my credit report, I was surprised to see an "H" listed as my middle initial. I have tried in vain for 10 years to get Transunion to remove the "H" from my credit report. Also, I get a lot of mail addressed to Mr. (my name). I don't know who the hell he is, but I wish he would quit signing me up for junk mail!
Posted by: pageycooks | December 14, 2007 at 02:34 PM
wow. WOW. That is hilarious and crazy. Doppelganger! This all makes me very thankful my last name is so Polish it only has one vowel in it.
Posted by: Miss Emish | December 14, 2007 at 05:40 PM
Jhianna - Then I will let you live.
Sherry - We tried to contact Mr DoppleGary at his [popular local business] but he wouldn't talk to us. We wanted his number, thinking he might someday want to talk to some of these people.
pageycooks - Maybe the H is for Hubby?
Miss Emish - (Hi! Or, Milo mi) It was so much easier when I had an unfamiliar name instead of my more common married name.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 15, 2007 at 02:09 AM