I've had two people who have influenced the way I react to bad news. My Mom, of course, and her best friend, "Aunt" Carleen. I am trying to figure out what they had in common so I could bottle their strength in adversity.
I've come to the conclusion they are opposites.
Put a major setback in front of each (for the purpose of example, let's say adult-onset diabetes) and they would have these reactions:
Aunt Carleen: "Well. I am astonished. It is just the Latest in a Series of Bizaarrrrre Incidents that have happened of late in my life."
Aunt Carleen did speak just like that; like a sober Julia Child. "Bizzaaarrrrre" and "IN-sane, simply IN-sane" were her catchphrases.
She was perpetually astonished by ill fortune. She, an overweight middle-aged woman, acquiring adult-onset diabetes? Really? It. Is. A-STONishing! Did you ever hear of such a thing? Simply madness! She would shake her head over the bizarreness of it all. Then she'd eat a ham sandwich on Wonder bread and chips.
Mom doesn't have and will never have adult-onset diabetes, but were she diagnosed, this is what she'd say:
Mom: "Oh. That now? Of course, we will need to switch immediately to the Diabetes Plan. I have lain awake and plotted just how I would have diabetes.Well, let me go in my clippings folder and look through all the newspaper articles I have collected for such a circumstance. And a call to Dr. F_____ is in order, since he's the top diabetes doctor in the area, according to my research."
Where Carleen would say illness and bad news were aberrations to her perfect normal life, Mom would find perfection an aberration. Both attitudes were equally positive. Carleen: "My life is great! Oddly, this crap keeps happening to me." Mom: "My life is crap. But, I expect that, and quite often, there are nice spots."
They certainly aren't like some (in-laws) who see their lives as a timeline of bad luck. "My life is crap. And then insane crap unexpectedly falls on me! Why me?"
I suppose the secret is to go to either extreme: Embrace the bad news completely and absorb it into your life, or Deny it (Bizzzaaaare!). Well, I should tell you Aunt Carleen did die of diabetes, still eating candy bars and Wonder bread. Maybe not that much denial.
So maybe the trick is to take the bad news, and simultaneously view it as an oddity and embrace it as part of your life. You know who's probably good at that? Circus freaks.
I think I'm in between. I have this life that's not particularly fabulous or crappy, but sometimes fabulous or crappy things happen.
For example, my husband's truck wouldn't start on Christmas Eve and it was blocking access to the S-A-N-T-A stuff, so after much bickering, we through it in neutral and pushed it out of the garage and into denial .
Three days later when we were ready for acceptance, it started like nothing was ever wrong. Turned out a batter cable was loose and it only cost $18 to replace with a better one.
Neutral to crappy to fabulous. Now we're back to neutral.
Posted by: Caroline | December 28, 2007 at 09:33 PM
At least they're both basically positive. Try living with a husband who sees every red light as a personal insult, every return to work after a holiday as a knife in the ribs, every rainy day as an individually-inflicted smack in the face. You either get sucked into a vortex of negativity or have to live your life like sodding Pollyanna.
Posted by: TravelSkite | December 29, 2007 at 03:49 AM
Big Dot -- That sounds a lot like my dad. It's draining. After a few hours with him, I need to go somewhere and recharge. I'm hardly Miss Molly Sunshine, but being around someone who never sees the good is exhausting.
Unfortunately, it's probably influenced me more than I care to admit.
Posted by: Kathy | December 29, 2007 at 05:21 AM
I must be sorta like your mother, because now I have to find out if circus freaks live longer and happier lives, and if so, let my beard grow.
Actually, you know who's really happy? Whether long life or short? People who don't think at all.
Posted by: ~~Silk | December 29, 2007 at 10:01 AM
I do something called "positive focusing". I read about it at the link below. Basically, you accept that stuff happens in life, but you constantly look for positive things. You don't ignore the negative stuff, but you don't dwell on it either.
http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/lux/lx2_1a.htm
Posted by: Solomon Broad | December 29, 2007 at 11:43 AM
So given that "you can't change people," is there anything one can do when a loved one's response to the diabetes verdict is "la la la la la, I feel fine when I get up in the morning even though my friends are dropping dead around me of heart attacks...pass me another Snickers bar"? It's making the family desperate.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | December 29, 2007 at 12:40 PM
Big Dot, my sympathies, sounds like Xman (shudder) and yes, when last heard from, he did view every red light as a personal affront. Ass.
I'm either extreme of the two good ladies in question. I have been known to have a checklist at the ready and alternately run around doing the la-la-la-la thing. Depends on the phase of the moon, I guess.
Posted by: Becs | December 29, 2007 at 12:51 PM
My mother was clinically depressed all of my life, yet, I am not very negative on my own. If I get around a negative person, it takes but a moment and then I jump off the cliff with them. I think I am fairly blessed, I really don't have a lot to be sad about or worry about. Pass me a Snickers, please!
Posted by: judith | December 29, 2007 at 04:39 PM
Caroline - It's a Christmas Miracle!
Big Dot - Ugh. That does sound awful. The only way to deal with that is to not care about that person.
Kathy - Pretty hard to distance yourself from your dad, though.
~~Silk - Naw, non-thinkers let their emotions run their lives, and they can't think themselves out of a funk or a disaster. So, emotional circus freaks would be totally screwed.
Solomon Broad - (Hi!) I like your lists. I've been grateful for breakfast cereal too, especially now that Dierberg's sells Quisp.
TasterSpoon - Will this person take a routine finger prick blood sugar test? When I had the temporary diabetes the hospital steroids give you, it was quite convincing to see the relation between sugar/fat intake and how I felt an hour later. They tested my blood before and after every meal, and once I saw how both starving and eating made my sugar swing, and how those sugar swings felt, it was pretty easy to stay on the diet.
Becs - As long as your outlook is positive, which I think it is.
Judith - Come to think of it, when I was clinically depressed I was laughing and making jokes. Until I got alone, then I would cry. I toast your good nature with a Snickers.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 30, 2007 at 01:41 AM