Test-a-Thon

At first I thought, "Enh, they don't want the details of my day at the hospital being tested to see if I am now well enough to be in the clinical trial." But then who do I see visiting via a link Andrea posted to Amanda's blog? Many people. And I feel no hesitancy in telling you this: they stayed put in the "In Which We Mock Our Illness" category. I follow my stats closely, and not a single one nipped over for a peek in the "Great Hall of TMI: Must be Over 18 to Visit" category. Not like the day the Riverfront Times people visited. You could read the RFT minds as you read the stats. "Hmm, well, this is -hey! Is she naked? Let's check out THAT page!" and away they'd link. Not so Amanda and her friends from Ballastexistenz.*

*360, Monday night, Finding Amanda on CNN. I'm curious to see it, especially having read  her comments about it on her blog.

(Update: Oh, cute. Suddenly The Great Hall of TMI is swamped. I can SEE you!)

So, today I visited the doctor(s) at the Center for Advanced Medicine in the belly of Big Momma Barnes downtown. I had test after test after test: five doctors, four therapists.

Dermatology: my first test of the day to see if I could successfully get naked and be peered at. I passed. I felt quite special in that I got to see the doctor ahead of all the others in the waiting room. Nyah! I felt like a piece of meat, but a well-marbled piece of steak meat.

Pulmonary: a test to see if I could pull air into my lungs consistently while a therapist yelled at me "SUCK SUCK SUCK KEEP SUCKING NOW SUUUUUCCCCKKKK"  - I failed. We had to do it again. Mom told me I'd laugh, and she was right.

CT scan: I was feeling more like London broil than steak by this time, but that might have been because I was aware the machine was photographing thin diagonal slices of my abdomen.

Disability test with my former neurologist, Dr. B________: Quite painless. He said he didn't remember who I was. I suggested perhaps this was because I had gained fifty pounds since the last time I saw him. He was quite agreeable but asked me no questions. This means I was not able to respond  shortly, "That question is not germane to the conversation we are having," which was the last thing I think Dr. B_________ said to me. I felt like a Grade A hunk of meat, though. He was impressed with my ability to walk, not so pleased by my poor hopping skills.

EKG with the MS study nurse: I laughed when she said, "Now I'm going to take your right arm and reposition it." She had just shoved my left breast up and over into my collarbone to get to my ribcage to plant an electrode there. Did she ask? No. Did she say, "Oh, let me rotate your boob around like a stick-shift?" No. Oh, but my right arm gets all kinds of respect. Piece of Meat Status: Brisket.

Cognitive Test: I can put pegs in holes! Nine of them! And take them out! Faster even with my left hand. I can NOT listen to a series of two numbers, add the most recent and the second  most recent, say the answer, hear another number, add that to the most recent, say the answer ... am I making it sound hard? It was. I failed. I am the stupidest cut of meat on the cow. I am the cow hindquarters.

Holter monitor: I'm still hooked up to this thing.  Piece of Meat Status: Ground Chuck.

And finally, It appears that I am a spotted cow. A 2cm lesion on my stupid pancreas, for which I need to get another test. Meat Status: I am a discolored sweetbread.

On the up side, I'm not so worried about the MS anymore.

Comments

[david]

Well, that settles that. Not having steak (or any cow product, really) again for a day or two.

[~~Silk]

Congrats on passing your midterms, and good luck on the pancreas spot quiz (hate those spot quizzes, especially on something you didn't study up on. As if Holter homework isn't enough...).

Silk

[Jammies]

Please do keep us posted on the pancreas spot. You are now on my worry list. However, you are filet mignon as far as I'm concerned.

[Ballastexistenz]

I wondered why the URL was so convoluted. Once I get the chance I'll try to find wherever the general root of your blog is and go for that instead. I wasn't in much position yesterday to figure it out.

[Kathy]

Ugh. I'd fail the number thing for sure. Good luck with the second pancreas test. (I'm trying to come up with some words of encouragement, but all I'm getting is, "well, there was that time when the doctor, er, "misplaced" my mom's breast biopsy and gave her another couple days of worry." Not good. I suck at these things.)

[Twofer]

I think we'll all feel better when we hear the news that you've gone back to worrying about your MS.

[Gina]

This is NOT what I had in mind when asking for neurology riffs... can't help much, but I do recommend the pediatric (low itch) pads for those monitor leads. Do keep us all posted -

[Hot Mom]

If I'm a heartless cow, you're a hearless cow broiled and served. Ha ha.

So, what's with the pancreas thing? Details, please.

[Friend #3]

Um... worried here. Pancreas lesion?

[Katie]

Perspective is a big fat bitch. Just when you get into a good worrying groove there's a spot on your pacreas. I'm sorry, that severely sucks. I hope you pass the spot test with flying colors.

[Caroline]

Just remember to avoid baby monitors while wearing the Holter.

Despite my heartless cow status, friend status way outweighs PM status and I will do whatever you need for you to take care of pancreas. Just say the word.

[Zayrina]

The son of a patient of mine just had a thingy taken off of his pancreas, T'was benign and I guess that is frequenly the case with pancreatic thingies. I feel very confident that will be the outcome for you as well.

[TheQueen]

David - Sorry! Sometimes you just need a meat metaphor. It's whats for dinner.
~~Silk - Gah! Thank God I'm out of that Holter thing!I was fine until I had to sleep in it...I think I flunked.
Jammies - Neh. Call me T-Bone.
Ballastexistenz - Aha! I see you got straightened out. Hope you like it.
Kathy - Actually, I'm not too worried about the pancreas test. I did some research on the internet Friday. I read as far as the word "inflammation" (Evidently an inflamed pancreas might get cysts/lesions) and then I stopped worrying. If it's about inflammation I own that. I'm all about the inflammation.
Twofer - Yeah, I'm pretty much back to normal MS worrying. Plus, it finally got cold, so I'm feeling better.
Gina - You are so right! Those suckers itch! After 24 hours I was dreaming of taking a brillo pad into the shower with me. I'll ask for the ped ones. Maybe I can bring my own. (Oh, and were you looking for complaints about neuros who get all agitated about other peoples specialties(like diagnosing you with mental illnesses and dermatological non-issues)?) Or just the extra-special arrogance they have?
Hot Mom - I've been served! Ha.
Friend #3 - Evidently people just get cysty things. I looked it up, most aren't cancerous. It's just a pain..
Katie - I think I will, it's just a delay and a nuisance. Stupid spots.
Caroline - Ummm..how 'bout if I do Friday's work on Sunday? Because I conked out Friday.
Zayrina - I think so too. Like I said: Lesion = cyst = inflammation = par for the course = no worries. In fact, when I was first diagnosed with MS, that test said my pancreas was inflamed too, and the next test said it wasn't. I think my pancreas just likes attention.

How about you take a break because you were scheduled to be off on Friday?

Sounds like your pancreas is a drama queen.

[sue]

Good grief. You poor thing. I think after test 1 I would have melted into a puddle of ooze and just slid off into the corner. Good for you, sticking it out. (Glad to hear the pancreas thing might not be much).

Hang in there. We're all pullin' for ya!

[TheQueen]

"" (Hi Caroline. You always forget your name.) - You should have seen my GP's imitation of my Pancreas. He waved and chirped, "Hey! Look at MEEEE."

Sue - I get another test tomorrow (Pancreas), then opthamologist and MRI next Tuesday then I'll have passed all my tests!