As I understand it, the first version of the consent form for this clinical trial said "I will not have babies." (Sign here.) The next version was more specific.
The version after that says, "If you are a woman who can have children...you should use 2 forms of effective contraception simultaneously." Ugh, I thought. I'm on the Pill. Pill and condoms? Have they improved condoms since my fifth anniversary? That's the first and last time I used one, when I was on antibiotics (thus reducing the Pill's effectiveness). I understand they have heated ones now. So, even though you are screwing Latex Man, at least it isn't Cold Dead Latex man.
So I made an appointment to see the OB-GYN regarding getting my tubes tied, especially since Gary's offer of a vasectomy was withdrawn after 12 hours.
Before the appointment, though, the next version of the form came out. "What," I joked before I read it, "I have to use three forms of birth control now?" The nurse and doctor laughed a shade too heartily and exchanged a look. Here's what the latest form says:
"You should use 2 forms of effective contraception simultaneously, at least one of which should be a primary form (see below):
Primary: Hormonal contraception, Tubal sterilization, Partner's vasectomy, IUD
Secondary: Male latex condom with spermicide, Diaphragm with spermicide, Cervical cap with spermicide, Vaginal sponge containing spermicide.
...Total abstinence is acceptable where the age, career, lifestyle, or sexual orientation of the patient ensures the prevention of pregnancy. "
So, here are some choices:
Become a Lesbian
Become a career Nun
Use a sponge (they make those again?) plus the Pill
Have a doctor install an IUD while I'm getting my tubes tied
Get my tubes tied and Gary's tubes tied
Get my tubes tied and use the Pill
Or, what I really want, which is to just go ahead and have whatever type of freak MONSTER babies that might come out. I would so totally keep it in the bathroom.
I say you have your tubes tied around an IUD and tell everyone you decorated your uterus for Christmas. Oh, and use the Pill as the festive star on top. Or something.
Posted by: Catherine | November 30, 2007 at 11:59 PM
You are so much more sensitive with regard to the topic of having children than I am. I tend to be harsh and mocking.
I hear alligator dung was a reliable form of birth control for the Egyptians.
Posted by: Zayrina | December 01, 2007 at 12:20 AM
Can't you just lie? I mean, people do it every day.
Personally, I'm a big fan of the Big H. If you're not using those lady parts, get them taken out. If they're giving you trouble every month, show them the door. Buh-bye, Ms. Uterus and Ms. Cervix! But that's an awful lot of trouble for a clinical trial....
Posted by: Becs | December 01, 2007 at 05:50 AM
A chastity belt would be considered primary, yes?
Posted by: Friend #3 | December 01, 2007 at 08:32 AM
Thanks for, you know, making me a boy and all.
Posted by: david | December 01, 2007 at 09:51 AM
Stop by a community theater group for a costume, latex wrinkles, and pancake age spots before your next visit. "Why Sister Ellen! You don't look a day under 60."
Posted by: Caroline | December 01, 2007 at 12:28 PM
When I was studying in Innsbruck, we went to a museum that had a "History of Sex" (or something like that, it was all in German) exhibit. They said that in the medieval times they practiced "forceful jumping" after sex as a form of contraception.
...sounds like more fun than condoms to me.
Posted by: Erin | December 01, 2007 at 12:30 PM
Catherine - OR use a Star AS an IUD.
Zayrina - Oh, whyyyyy? Whose idea was elephant dung? Oh wait - they applied it before going on a date, I guess.
Becs - Yeah, that crossed my mind, but, yeah. A number of people have gotten pregnant. I can't just stick with the pills.
Friend #3 - A thought, or how about 70 pounds of fat? That seems to have been moderately effective
David - God says he knew you couldn't take it. ;-]
Caroline - Ha. If I'd known I bet I could have passed for post-menopausal already.
Erin - Way better than alligator dung.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 01, 2007 at 09:48 PM
Gary's a wussy. My hubs got his snip job done when it became apparent that it was dangerous for me to get pregnant, and surgery for me is only a little less dangerous (and *sigh* the Pill doesn't like me. At All. in Any Form.) It took about an hour (including filling out paperwork), and he was recovered completely in 2 days, during which he was able to milk it for great sympathy and remote control rights.
He also occasionally points out that, if he should wander. there would be less chance of long term evidence. Maybe this would be encouragement --no strange kids knocking on the door saying "Are you my daddy?"
Posted by: Sherri | December 02, 2007 at 03:44 PM
I'm sticking with the pill. It's worked for years now, so it passes my test which is "no babies." so far, so good.
Posted by: Marriage-101 | December 02, 2007 at 07:50 PM
Sherri - Well, that might be encouraging, but he trumps it with, "But what if they mess with it and it doesn't work any more?"
Marriage-101 - The Pill likes me too. I think since I was 18.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 03, 2007 at 01:10 AM
Sooo... I guess they REALLY don't want you to have a kid, right?
Posted by: sue | December 03, 2007 at 10:09 AM
Sue - well, this is what doesn't quite make sense to me. If women don't have kids while on the drug trial, who's to know if this drug isn't like Thalidomide until after it comes out? Then again, if the issue is that it might cause birth control to not work, then we should know that too.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 03, 2007 at 11:08 PM