Break Your Tooth

(This is the post you were supposed to get yesterday, but then the dog started  defecating representations of the male reproductive organs. Today he's back to representations of the lymphatic system, so I can post what I want.)

Yesterday, I went to the dentist for a crown.  As  usual, I  begged for drugs.  Novocaine, nitrous, and keep it coming sister. Don't you cut it with air, either.  This hygienist had a heavy hand with the goods, so I didn't have to slap a bitch.

Well, at least that's how it started.  The hygienist got me going on air at first, then I got the Novocaine, and then the dentist came in and  shut off  the nitrous. Then I punched her in the gut. Well, then I made the buggy eyes at the hygienist and she cranked me back up when the dentist left for a moment.

I snaked the iPod earbuds  through the nitrous mask, the cushy pillow, and the big black safety sunglasses.  The first song that popped up was "Break Your Heart" and I found great comfort in it. Because it had the singing, and the screaming, and it was live and amazing. So when I got to the end I tapped Repeat.

Then some odd nitrous-fueled paranoia made me tap Repeat again. And again and again for the next hour and a half. And I started to get that sense that the music was being drilled and glued and sculpted into my new crown, just like  my brother's fight with his girlfriend still lives in my sofa table.

As they whittled my tooth down, they had my jaw open so wide my nose pushed up like a pig. This meant the precious nitrous was seeping under the mask, and the only people feeling the groove were the ones destroying my tooth. I almost clutched the mask like Dennis Hopper in  Blue Velvet  (mommy!) but they recognized the DTs in my eyes and took little breaks so I could shut my mouth and inhale.

After the dentist left, the hygienist and I discussed nitrous mask designs (they make them with tubes that go right up your nostrils - I'm buying one for my next visit) and the 80's soft rock she's forced to listen to. I poked my iPod in her ear and she confessed she likes Break Your Heart. Still, she insisted on humming along with John Denver muzak while I was humming my song, so we had a little hum turf war.

I got home, detoxed, and tried to see if I could play the riffs for that song, because I believe just a little in Prof. Hill's Think System. It sounded fair; in fact I think having the song embedded in my temporary crown helped me strum 3/4 time.

Comments

[sue]

You just have more fun than is humanly possible in your every endevour. I'm so proud of you. *sniff*

[Tracy27]

I'm too much of a ninny to ask for nitrous. I'm afraid the dentist will be annoyed, and I don't want to annoy someone who's doing scary things to my mouth, even though it's so awesome and makes a big difference. The last time I had it, I kept thinking about how the little rubber wedge they put in my mouth to help me hold my jaw open would be useful as a marital aid; I couldn't stop giggling, especially when the cute young male dentist asked me what was so funny. So maybe I'm better off without it.

[Amy in StL]

I've never gotten nitrous. I don't understand what it's really for. The shot is so you don't feel anything, what's the gas for? Is it for people who are so afraid of the dentist that even though they're not feeling pain they're still freakin?

[Candy]

I just found your blog today, and not a moment too soon. I have spent the entire day putting temporary filling replacement in this tooth of mine that has lost its real filling, and is now slowly chopping my tongue into ground meat. When I wasn't doing that, I was calling sedation dentists. They actually administer IV and PUT YOU TO SLEEP!

Unfortunately I can't afford it, but if you can, run, do not walk, to your nearest search engine and find ye one.

[Jhianna]

I've been putting off going to the dentist for a crown now for years. Nitrous, you say? Hmmmm.....

Delurking for The Great Mofo Delurk 2007 (
http://www.schmutzie.com/2007/09/814-great-mofo-delurk-2007.html).

[Friend #3]

Wuss.

[Rachelskirts]

HAHA, I love Friend #3's comment. That's the sign of a true friend right there. So what happens when you get a different song stuck in a different tooth? Will it be like that awful land between radio stations where both are trying to play at once but all you really get is a static-filled blend of horribleness?

[TheQueen]

sue - Pain is not the same as fun, Sue.
Tracy27 - Why would the rubber wedge be useful - oooooh. Oh, you are right it WOULD.
Amy in StL - "Is it for people who are so afraid of the dentist that even though they're not feeling pain they're still freakin?" YES. Because any second that drill could slip and there would be a smoking hole in your cheek.
Candy - Hi Candy! Ah, but they sedate you with Versed. Versed is creepy. Such as my experience: http://mocklog.typepad.com/queen_mediocretia/2005/03/i_go_insane_par.html
Jhianna - Happy de-lurking to you too!! Except I don't consider you a lurker.
Friend #3 - Cow.
Rachelskirts - Ew! Now I can't listen to music at all because there might be dissonance.

[Autumn]

Nitrous is the best. It makes having that junk done to your teeth *slightly* tolerable.

[TheQueen]

Actually, I wish they gave nitrous at the gynecologist too.

[Autumn]

That would be excellent.