In Which Gary Experiences a Miracle

Gary was off work today, and when I got home he recounted a miracle he had experienced just that afternoon. I called the Catholic Archdiocese immediately, and they sent a Bishop to take Gary's  testimony.

And just so I don't go to Hell, that last part is a lie. But pretend for a moment it isn't. All the rest is true.

"Completely true!" Gary echoes.

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Bishop: "Peace be with you. Tell me in what manner you experienced this miracle."

Gary: "Okay! I hopped on my bike, and I hadn't had breakfast yet. NO breakfast. That is key. I was somewhere around those nice houses by the country club. I passed this one house: it was huge! It was like the big house dream I have sometimes! And it had a courtyard and these two HUGE dogs were lounging under this archway! They were, like mastiffs or something, and -"

Bishop: "And the miracle?"

Gary: "Seeing the mastiffs made me realize I was lost and I hadn't had any breakfast, and after about another hour and a half I realized I had used up all my carbs. I couldn't even ride my bike anymore. I was just walking my bike, staggering along -- and I passed the golf course at the Country Club by the Big Houses. And the grass was perfect, and then floating on top of the grass right in front of me there was a cupcake!"

(pause)

Bishop: "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. A what?"

Gary: "A cupcake! A frosted cupcake! It was sitting right there at my feet! Kind of hovering over the grass! Like it had fallen from the sky right there! Or sprouted up at my feet! It was like God said, 'Hey, here's a cupcake for you!'"

Bishop: "You mean...like a child's party cupcake?"

Gary: "No, like one of those fancy cupcakes they sell the tourists on the riverfront.  It was a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting, and it was wrapped, but still I thought for a second, 'Hey, maybe this is a poisoned cupcake. Maybe some serial murderer lives by here and they're sitting waiting for someone to eat the cupcake they planted!' But then I thought, 'No, this is a cupcake from God.'"

Bishop: "So, did you eat of the cupcake?"

Gary: "Yes, plus it seemed to be saying 'Eat Me,' so I tore right into it and ate it in about four big bites. And instantly I could feel the energy flow back into my body! Like a drug! Like I'd mainlined heroin or something!"

Bishop: "My son. I can't really put that in my report to the Holy Mother Church."

Gary: "Well, it gave me enough strength to find my way home."

Bishop: "So, do you have any evidence of this Divine Cupcake's existence? Like, the wrapper?"

Gary: "I had to leave the wrapper behind after I licked off all the frosting, because I didn't have any pockets. It made me feel like I was littering, though, so I went back later with Ellen so I could show her where it happened! We looked and looked, but we couldn't find it! Some wild animals must have made off with it!"

Bishop: "And, so you have no evidence. Wait, though - did this cupcake seem to resemble ... anything other than a cupcake?"

Gary: "Um ... like a brownie...?"

Bishop: "No, like the Virgin Mary ... Jesus ... a guy with a beard?"

Gary: "Nope, just a cupcake."

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So, the Bishop left shaking his head. It doesn't look like this is going to be a landmark on the path to Gary's Beatification.

Comments

[Friend #3]

Just remember: 9-1-1

[Becs]

I worked with a guy whose dad was the priest at a Russian Orthodox church. One day I made a remark, something, "Oh yeah, and you get a piece of the True Cross with purchase."

And the guy said, "I've seen that! I've seen pieces of the True Cross!"

Umm....ohkayyy...I'll just... run down the stairs and out of the building now!

[Caroline]

The big house neighborhood is very confusing. I think it's a ploy to keep us commoners out. That and the damned gate.

[Friend #3]

I take it that by not seeing a blog entry documenting an emergency gastric lavage, Gary survived his cupcake encounter?

[TheQueen]

Friend @3 - Shut up.
Becs - I seem to recall having seen the miraculously preserved body of Saint Ferdinand down the street from my childhood home. It made quite an impression on me at the time.
Caroline - Oh, talk to me about the fact the street signs arent lighted! You can't see them if you have to go to a party there at night. Your bosses party. Your boss who explains that she had to move because she lived in a dump, which happens to be the same floor plan as your house one street down from you. (Still, Gary found that not all entrances are gated.)
Friend #3 - Yup, and he topped it off with greek food from the St. Nicklaus' fest.

[Caroline]

Yeah, you can get in if you drive around to Wolfrum. Notice the non-gated entrance is around similar mansions.

[Melissa]

There are places where street signs are lighted?

[Annie]

How cool! I was out on my bike yesterday and realized I also forgot to eat lunch, and when I checked my handy bike bag for the Luna bar I always keep there - discovered I had apparently eaten it yesterday.

I would have been so happy to have a Cupcake from God appear for me too! Lucky Gary.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - Faux gating. Trash. (Sniffs the woman with weeds in her landscaping.)
Melissa - Some of the newer ones in West County are, but in our neighborhood we rely on streetlights. But these were non-reflective or too far away from streetlights or something.
Annie - (Hi Annie!) I like to think God is looking out for Gary. I'm sure there is a Holy Cupcake in your future. But put a Luna bar in your pack right now just in case.

[Troll]

So, now you're sharing your dope with your husband? Why am I not surprised? And, btw, you are certifiable. You two are completely insane and inane. If I said "Your inane-ness is insanely unbelievable", it would be an understatement. I'm almost embarrassed for you. Gah!

[Meriwether Lewis]

Troll-bunny, you shouldn't flame a cupcake miracle. It's very poor form.

[TheQueen]

Troll - Inanity. Look it up!
Meriwether Lewis - "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord."