In Which I Am Thrown Out of Bed

A few mornings past I woke up and Gary glared at me.

"Wha?" I drooled. "Whazit? WHA?"

"You can't do that again."

"What?"

"I didn't get any sleep last night! I need sleep!"

"How is that my fault?"

"You. Snore."

"You snore!"('You're a towel!') "And you say I always snore."

"Yes, but this wasn't the cute relaxing snore. This was some intermittent thing. I'd start to fall asleep and all of a sudden you'd make this huge GRONNNK and wake me up." He glared at me sternly. It was a hard look. It was a long, hard, penetrating look. Usually those looks excite me, but this one just pissed me off.

I snipped, "Explain to me precisely how I could satisfy you, then. Evidently it bothers you when I lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling, and now, evidently, my sleeping displeases you."

"Well, that's it. You just can't sleep in here anymore."

So I've been tossed out of the marriage bed. This is fine with me, because a) the guest bed is far more comfy and, b) all I have to do is hint to my mother-in-law that we have separate beds now and she'll read him the riot act. She has strong feelings on spending every night together, and she's been married fifty-some years.

I see this lasting about a week. Until then, I'll get some good sleep without his blackberry waking me up.

Comments

[Zayrina]

Your post is amusing, but snoring, in general, is not if you are the one being snored at.

John snores, and it is the GRRRRRONK that shook the world. Thank God for his machine.

If you are gronking that loudly, and that often, it is likely due to sleep apnea, which means you quit breathing. It is not, I repeat, not a healthy thing, and I strongly urge you to ask your MD for a referral for a sleep study. During John's study he learned that his O2 sat was in the 50%'s. A healthy sat is above 90%. Fifty is sort of what people sat as they are dying. Not good. He be fixed now and we sleep blissfully. Well except for when he rolls over and smacks me in the head. Or rolls over the other way and takes the covers with him. I am not sure if another sleep study would help those issues. Oh well, gotta have something to bitch about in the morning.

[Becs]

Again, what I said about the not being married thing? Yeah, this is working for me. Can't advise it, but there are moments when it has its advantages.

Maybe he'll buy you some flkwers to make up.

[ajooja]

Take a Tylenol PM and it won't matter. :)

[Sherri]

Ya know, I've tried for years to convince the husband that it would not mean the end of our marriage to sleep in separate beds, especially if we are annoying each other too much to actually sleep. He gets major cases of the pouts and pitifuls at the suggestion. Soooo...

This is especially good if the guest room bed is more comfy. Move your clothes in there. Make like it is your new room. See what happens.

[TheQueen]

Zayrina – Hmmmm. Then again, sometimes I’m not asleep and I go quite a while without breathing. Perhaps I have Life Apnea.
Becs - Buy flowers! Hahahahaahaha. No, but he came close to making up today when he told me the dog kept him up all night. (Dang! I just realized I should have responded with, “What, was Mac SNORING?”)
ajooja - Gary needs the Tylenol PM, but he’s too proud to even take aspirin
Sherri - What I should do is appropriate the bathroom closest to the guest bedroom. I was chastised this morning for locking him out of the master bathroom while I spent 45 seconds urinating.

[Sherri]

I take it he doesn't know where that other bathroom is? Maybe he needs his own GPS.

Or invite him in while you pee.

We don't have this problem. Our bathroom has no door dividing it from the bedroom. You can't hide if you want to. Therefore, certain warnings are shouted, as appropriate.

[TheQueen]

I could never live in a house without a bathroom door. I felt dirty just leaving the door open the week Gary was gone.

[Sherri]

Oh, there is a door in the bathroom. It opens in the TV room (which used to be a porch but we added) because this house was designed to have a pool in the back yard. So, both bathrooms have (had) doors onto the back porch so you didn't tromp your wet feet on the carpet and didn't pee in the pool.

Our guest bathroom has two doors. Would that be enough?

[TheQueen]

Sherri - Okay. As long as they all have locks. At some point Gary told his sisters I don't leave the door open, and they realized if they opened the door just a hair I would scream. So, since then I always lock all the S________s out.

[Sherri]

Awwww, no screaming! Say something snarky, like "I never DREAMED you had a lesbian/waterworks fantasy!" or "It's $5 a peek, dear."

Loudly.

[TheQueen]

Sherri - Yeah,sure, if I'd been cool and composed I could have said that, but they were OPENING THE DOOR!

[Sherri]

Ah, but that's the power play. They are trying to make you scream. That's the sort of thing that really makes me mad, which switches me into Titanium Bitch Mode. Once there, I either have a snappy comeback or I sputter and throw things. Both tend to get the door closed, but the sputter and throw things isn't nearly as cool.

Or learn to not care. I have had a lot of practice in learning not to care. Really pisses off the ones who want to make me scream and they go away to bother someone else.

[TheQueen]

Sherri - But then you spend the entire time in the commode on edge, posied to use your snappy comeback. Not relaxing.