My nephew's wedding is fast approaching. This is Arhan-fay's wedding: he's the son of Gary's Muslim-convert sister Sandy. Sandy has her own sect of Islam which prohibits anything Sandy doesn't like and allows Crab Rangoon and Special Fried Rice, her favorite non-Halal (read 'kosher') foods. This is to say Sandy plays fast and loose with the rules, unless it suits her to be the current incarnation of the Prophet himself. This liberal reading of the Qur'an is what allowed her to give me a shot glass for my birthday.
"Woohoo!" I said via long distance, "Shot Glass! Party on! I will toast you!"
"Oh, stop," she scoffed, "It isn't that kind of shot glass. It isn't for drinking."
"Yes. Yes I believe it is."
"No, it's a Kansas City souvenir shot glass. You put it on your shelf." You know. Like a souvenir condom. Allah winks at souvenirs. Thus is it rationalized, thus shall it be so.
Okay, so the wedding is in Kansas City and it will be a Kashmiri wedding, since the bride's family is from the Kashmir province. (You've heard of it: picture Wolf Blitzer saying "the disputed Kashmir province.") It's between India and Pakistan, so they wedding will be part Indian customs (Henna painting) and part Pakistani customs (harboring terrorists).
Karen, Gary's other sister, is in a state about what to wear. She is a conformist, and now we have to go to a wedding where we'll stand out like a handful of sore thumbs. She made a nice choice of a sparkly gray tunic and matching pants, but the problem is it isn't colorful enough. She knows these weddings are colorful.
I suggested a colorful headscarf.
"Oh, I'm not wearing one of those. Sandy said we didn't have to."
This sealed my determination to wear a headscarf, because a) Karen would hate it and b) all Sandy Sect Rules are automatically in question and c) I don't want men lusting after my hair. Well, and maybe I guess I want to fit in. Okay, it's because I look good in a scarf.
The groom is having his own clothing problems. It appears he is being asked to buy quite the pricey suit of Kashmiri clothing for the ceremony. Karen related this, and added:
"I told him flat out, here's what you do, you find a costume shop -"
"Karen. Karen. You didn't."
"Well! They have everything in those places! Men rent tuxedos, don't they? He should be able to rent his wedding costume."
All I know is we'll all be walking on thin ice at this wedding. My cleavage is going to be non-existent, my hair will be covered, and I'm not shaking any men's hands. Of course, as soon as Sandy wheels out the very non-Kashmiri five-tier wedding cake ("I don't care about halal! I want a cake!") they'll all start dancing and doing body shots from souvenir shot glasses.
You must call me when you are here, we will drink out of shot glasses. For maybe two seconds before I fall off a barstool, however.
Posted by: Jenny | August 01, 2007 at 08:49 AM
Should be interesting. How does Arzzana-Fay feel about her brother getting married?
Led Zepplin has a song called Kashmir: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Kashmir-lyrics-Led-Zeppelin/21357C07661C49E1482568870004A244, perhaps they'll play it as the bride is presented to the groom?
Posted by: Catherine (the Redheaded One) | August 01, 2007 at 08:57 AM
This event has international incident written all over it.
Posted by: Caroline | August 01, 2007 at 09:12 AM
Sounds like there will be fun had by all... and some more than others.
Posted by: sue | August 01, 2007 at 11:02 AM
Jenny - Hey! I can do TWO shots of tequila! I am a big girl!
Catherine the Red - Actually, I couldn't tell you, since both the events we are invited to are receptions. The actual religious ceremony will take place without us.
Caroline - Yes, especially since I'm going back and forth on the headscarf issue.I don't want to be the infidel tramp exposing her head, but I don't want Karen to feel even more out-of-place.
Sue - Well, since it's Gary's family, and specifically Sandy, there will be drama had by all anyway.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 01, 2007 at 09:56 PM
Henna tattoos on all terrorists would stop a lot of the racial profiling problems.
I think you've just given us the key to the whole Terrorism in America issue.
Posted by: Hot Mom | August 01, 2007 at 10:36 PM
I suggest you and Karen go Bollywood. I have a sari somewhere. Anywhatsis, go Bollywood - handsome Indian men (you can touch) and huge musical numbers ala Rogers-and-Hammerstein, only with curry.
It'll be fabulous.
Posted by: Friend #3 | August 01, 2007 at 10:48 PM
Hot Mom - Neh. Then Madonna would be stopped as a terrorist. You know, with the henna hands and the suspicious name.
Friend #3 - You do NOT have a sari somewhere! Get out! Gimme a sari and a dot on my head and I'm there.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 02, 2007 at 05:49 PM