Stupid Job is Jerking Me Around!

For the past six months I have been working on a training project that contains stimulating material such as this:

To make the forklift raise the pallet up, press the UP button.
To lower the pallet that is on the forklift, press the DOWN button.
TRUE or FALSE: The UP button raises the pallet. (TRUE! If you missed this question, you may want to go back and review the material.)

Yes, well, that was last week. This week I have to write objectives for a marriage counseling course for a church.

First of all, I get preliminary content that is essentially a series of four of five religious buzzwords strung together, i.e. "The Grace of the Covenant Amplifies the Faithful through Ascension." WTF? WTF, Jesus? What the HELL does that mean?

Since the content the church has given me has been so hard for me to grasp, I've taken to reading simple marriage counseling books like "The Five Love Languages." Happily, Religious BS is not one of the five Luuuuv languages. I do not speak Seminary Doublespeak.

Unfortunately, it appears I do speak Manipulative ChickenSoupforTheSoulSpeak fluently, because I just sat around all morning reading The Five Love Languages and crying. AT WORK.

Forklifts do not make me cry. On the other hand, it would appears my Cynical Muscle has become flabby from lack of exercise.

Comments

[Becs]

I understood the Churchspeak until "through Ascension." They lost me on that one.

Reading '5 Love Languages' made me a bit dewy-eyed, too, and back in the days of Anonymous Boyfriend, taught me how to better reach him emotionally. Too bad he didn't reach back.

But yeah, go ahead. Bawl. It's good. I'd be really worried if you cried about the fork lift.

[Autumn]

I just laughed for about 5 minutes...unfortunately for you I have no translation...sorry to let you down Queen.

[Sherri]

Only cry about forklifts when you are actually with a forklift and it is parked on your foot. Otherwise, they are not worth your tears. Forklifts don't care. They are the Bad Boys of the warehouse equipment gang. Pallet Jacks are almost as bad, but have serious "little man" syndrome.

I hate it, HATE IT, when a poppsych book gets me boohooing. Makes me feel weak and easy. Probably is just the fact that even poppsych can occasionally be right about something.

Feh. I think that book needs a good mocking so the Queen can be happy on her throne again.

[TasterSpoon]

Forklifts are like rubberbands. You need to let them go off by themselves and not push their buttons and then nag them about how they are supposed to be going 'up' and 'down.' Eventually they will spring back and go up and down all by themselves.

Unless they're female forklifts, in which case they may need to spend a few days in their caves, painting their toenails.

[Caroline]

Have you been blessed by the grace of God's love through my works as his mask? Thought so.

[TheQueen]

Becs - Yeah, I don’t know if Gary’s going to read it after I’m done. And gioven he just roared from the other room “IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME YOU GET IN HERE AND WATCH ‘BIG LOVE’ WITH ME!” I don’t suppose it takes much to figure out his love language is ‘Quality’ time.
Autumn - But, you’re my church minutes-typer! Doesn’t the Holy Spirit translate this crap for you?
Sherri – It was all the unhappy couples who after one page with the author would cry “Oh, he’s like a different person!” I call BS on this guy.
TasterSpoon – The Love Languages of the Forklift.
Caroline - I’m sorry – did you just type ‘his mask?’ Lower case my Lord, do you? That’s His mask, you blasphemer.

[Autumn]

I know, I know...I'm a dissapointment. Or maybe my connection is bad...whoops.

[TheQueen]

Autumn - I wish I could remember what I read today. I IMed it to Caroline. It was a mix of "Holy Spirit" and "Transcends" and "The putting off of" and something else...still there was no verb.

[elizabeth]

enjoying your blog - having grown up with parental ministers who were marriage counsellors, I have a total grasp of religious marriage BS which goes on for hours and then my mom usually gets her 60 seconds to the female which consists of "are you a virgin?" and "bring a towel to the bed, it is going to get messy." - which almost makes you WANT the babble speak.

[TheQueen]

elizabeth - my main source of the religious BS explained a lot of it yeaterday, when he had me rewrite something do it was more "doctrinally correct." Evidently there are Godly syntax nazis out there who read everything for religious correctness - thus the Holy Spirit needs a few words in any sentence that suggests humans might do something right on their own. And, I think virgins should screw the first time in the shower, don't you? It's tider that way.