Guest Post of the Week: Mac the Dog

(Ellen says: The dog has been fidgety lately, so I decided to let him post.)

Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Mac the dog. Technically, I am McDonnell the dog (nee), but now that my cohort Douglas is gone the furless ones just call me Mac.

I need a forum to express my concern that some of you might be considering a Presidential candidate who would do this to a dog. I realize the article explains the dog liked being up on the car roof, but I doubt anyone from the Times interviewed the dog. As for the contention the dog liked being up on the roof because he "scrambled up there every time [they] went on trips," well -- not to sound breedist, but he's an Irish Setter. They aren't that bright.

Things here in the house have been interesting. The furless ones have been squabbling more than is usual. The smaller one, the one with the grotesquely swollen teats and the huge ankles, has been reading marriage counseling books for some work project she has. This has provoked absurd conversations between them about their "love languages." No one has asked me, but here is my take on these love languages.

Acts of Service (or as Dogs call them, Acts of Carrion)
I know some dogs (ahem - Irish Setters) chase and kill mice, deer, and such, but that doesn't appeal to me. So, I don't show love in that way. I also don't accept love when it is granted as an act of service.The larger furless one at times will try to wipe off my bottom, but I don't feel loved afterward. I feel slightly violated.

Gifts
The Furless ones and I have worked past this. For a while, they tried to show their love by giving me squeak toys. They would throw them and look at me expectantly. As if I were (and I'm sorry, but it's true) an Irish Setter. Of course, when I realized the importance they placed on gifts I tried to give them some gifts in my own way, but they just scream and throws my gifts in the trash dumpster. Hmph. So sorry I can't produce gold jewelry from my butt.

Talking
I'm a dog. They are not. We can't talk to each other. Someone, explain that to them.

Quality Time
The Furless ones seem to think they need to spend every minute together. Usually they are just watching the noisy box, and the noisy box bores me. Especially when that Chris Matthews guy is on.  As long as they check in before for dinner, we might spend all evening in separate rooms.

Touch
That's my love language. Oh, yeah, baby. I love the touch. Big Ankles has fingernails on her right hand, and sometimes she will scratch the base of my tail, or my teats. Mmmmm. Strangely, they don't like it when I do this to them. I'll make a special trip over their teats up to their heads and claw them violently, and they don't like it! They scream things like, "You are going to gouge my eye out!" and "I think he drew blood!" and "WHAT DO YOU WANT DOG IT'S FOUR A.M."

It's so hard, sometimes. Maybe I should try giving them some more of my special homemade butt gifts.

Comments

[Autumn]

Mac! You rock! You should guest blog more often...make the furless one let you.

[Zayrina]

Hi, My name is Tessa and I live with Zayrina.

I understand your frustrations with the furless ones. I am tortured daily with squeak toys. I get even though, by strategically placing them in and around the bathroom door after they have retreated to their kingsized bed. I smile inwardly and wag my tail in delight when one of them steps on one in the dark, Sometimes the biggest one screams quite shrilly and clutches his chest, and usually the smaller female screeches awake as she is a light sleeper. It's a hoot, so if you haven't tried it I recommend it.

Uh-oh, here comes one, gotta run!

[Friend #3 (as dictated to by Ricky)]

Why did you bring me to work tonight? It's frickin' midnight. I should be in bed, licking the empty space where my testicles once were. *cough*bitch*cough* Oh sure, I howl when you're gone. I'm a dog, for Christ's sake.

Next time, leave me at home. I know you feel guilty cuz it's Sunday and you're working until midnight. (Who the hell are these crazy ass people anyway?) Anyway, leave me out of it, okay? Jeez!

P.S. I'm sorry about your lamp.

[TheQueen]

AS DICTATED BY MAC-
Autumn - oh, as if she had any control over what I can or can't do. Hah!

Tessa - I might break my ban on squeak toys just to play that trick on Big Furless. Slightly Smaller Furless would just sigh and mutter.

Ricki - Well, at least you got to pee and see squirrels. I barely eben got a walk.

hi all :)

[TheQueen]

Oh. Hi. Were you experimenting with the features from the latest edition of Maximum PC? The ones that hide your identity? Hmm?

hi all :)

[TheQueen]

Oh, you are so deleted next time.