Our Most Recent Fight

Conflict:
Between the hours of seven and nine Friday, Gary said several thousand critical things. He was cranky because the AC is out, so we went shopping at the nearest mall with AC.

We were in Hot Topic looking for a backpack for him. He wanted one that matched his frayed Army surplus one from 25 years ago. And, of course, where else would you look but Hot Topic? Did you answer "anywhere on the face of God's earth?" Why, you are correct. Still, to honor the hard metal venue, I made the rock horns:

"Don't do that!" he groused. I upped the ante and waggled my tongue thorough the horns at him.

"Ellen! Stop that" He pulled me aside and whispered "That's the sign for oral sex!"

"No," I said, puzzled, "I'm pretty sure this is the sign for oral sex," and waggled my tongue through a peace sign. Then I giggled. I'm pretty sure that's why an hour later he lectured me for five minutes on the way I licked lemon juice off my fingers at the restaurant. Evidently, that is "distasteful" and "Not very refined." That was the last straw.

Resolution:
He knew he'd said something wrong, and I told him if I was still mad the next day we'd work through it. After boring Catherine the Red (and her sister Cindy the Amber) with the details of how Gary wants me to act his age (53) not my age (45) , I figured I was still pissed off and we'd have to have a little rational conversation. The result of the rational conversation?

• If he becomes intolerably stuffy again I'm to call him "Reverend Gary."
• He bought me a number of blouses for penance. Still, none show boobage. (Oh, did I just say 'boobage?' How unrefined. Decolletage.)
• He bought me Capri cut jeans. I explained I have fat ankles and only girls with cute ankles like Capris.
• He looked up ankle liposuction on the Internet, because he's just so helpful that way.

So if you see a stocky middle-aged woman hoofing around in Capri-jeans and a high-collared shirt with short grade-school puffy sleeves making the International Sign for Heavy Metal Oral Sex, that's me.

Comments

[Angie]

I so wish you lived in Indiana so I would have an excuse to flash that sign to everyone I saw. :)

[TheQueen]

Angie - what is it called in Indiana? I've heard "floating the goat" and "goat horns" and "rock horns" and "devil horns." I freaked out the Office Mason when I called them "Devil horns."

[styro]

Ha ha ha awesome. This is one of the best posts on the intarwebs I've read in a while.

[TheQueen]

styro – yes, because you are a filthy, filthy girl. Was is it about us - the former Youth Group attendees who decide to cut loose later in life? I think we have the right idea.