Imaginary Conversations

I have concluded the reason my in-laws communicate so poorly is that after every real conversation, they have an extra extended imaginary conversation. Within minutes, the line between delusion and reality becomes blurred and they believe the imaginary conversation has taken place.

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For example: Real Conversation #1 -
Gary: Can I bring anything for dinner Saturday, Mom? Do you want me to bring GarySalad? (Gary's own special concoction of Greek Salad.)
Wilma: No hon, it's your birthday. Besides, that salad is so good no one will want to eat my food!

(Yeah, that was the real one. Wilma talks to Gary like that all the time. That's why I have to be so mean to him, to teach him humility.)

Imaginary Extended Conversation #1 -
Gary: Are you sure?
Wilma: Well, you know I just said no, but in my heart yes, I really want you to bring your salad because it is soooo goood and I loooove you sooooo much. And because your wife can't cook.

Real-life Result #1 -
Gary tore around the store because he had promised his Mom he would bring salad, then he made the salad, brought it over, and Wilma said (of course) "Why did you bring that? I told you not to!" "No, you expressly told me to bring it!"

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Real Conversation #2 -
Gary: Hey Mom, is Sandy bringing Arzaana-fay AND her boyfriend when we celebrate my birthday Saturday?
Wilma: Yes, it's so sweet. They just got "promised."
Gary: Well, you know they can't both sleep under the same roof. That means one of them has to sleep someplace else, or they have to drive back the same day.

(I believe at this point both of them became distracted and they both had an imaginary conversation.)

Wilma's Imaginary Extended Conversation #2 -
Gary: Arzaana-fay could spend the night with us, and her boyfriend would sleep here, then tomorrow they'll all drive back to Kansas City.
Wilma: Oh, Gary, you were always so good, we never had to worry about things like that with you.

Gary's Imaginary Extended Conversation #2 -
Wilma: Well, they can't both sleep as an unmarried seventeen-year old couple under the same roof, 'promised' or not. So I suppose they'll just have to get back in their car and drive the four hours back to Kansas City!
Gary: It's unthinkable they would consider doing anything else. I will tell my wife this plan right now, and she will believe me as if God and Allah both came to her in a vision, wrote a little song about this, and brought along a sign language interpreter for the hearing impaired.

Real-life Result #2 -
Yeah, I did believe him. Mainly, I believe him because his family is just goofy enough to drive eight hours in one day for Corned Beef and Cabbage in celebration of the Feast of Saint Patrick which was, like Gary's birthday, during the month of March.

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The above led to this conversation between me and the conservative sister Karen:

Real Conversation #3 -
Karen: Hey Ellen, I just talked with Arzaana-fay and she says she'd be fine spending the night right here since she and her boyfriend and her mom have to get up early tomorrow and drive back to Kansas City.
Me: No. Way. There is no way. Did you check with Wilma about this?
Karen: Yeah, she said she didn't mind.
Me: She said those words. Out loud. Are you sure?
Karen: Yeah, she said Arhan-fay and the boyfriend could sleep in my old room, and Sandy could sleep in your old room, and Arzaana-fay could sleep on the couch in the living room.
Me: She can't possibly think they'll stay that way.
Karen: (shrugs)
Me: Seriously, you've heard something wrong. You are remembering an imaginary conversation. Go check with your Mom again.

Karen shrugged again. And then I bet you anything, she went back in and reported the conversation she was having with the voices in her head. That would be the imaginary conversation in which I said "I think they should be going at it on the couch! Woo-hoo! I think sex between teenagers should be encouraged! And applauded! And grades should be given!"

Comments

[Tracy27]

Heh, you're totally right about the couch situation. Never underestimate the guile of the young and lusty. If my college boyfriend's mother's couch could only talk... along with his grandmother's living room floor, and several common areas of my parents' house. Their guest rooms, however? Unsullied by teen passion. It was all about the letter of the law.

[Autumn]

I don't know who you are, but you are hilarious.

[TheQueen]

Tracy:
I think Miss Manners does say to put them in their own rooms and then ignore any footsteps going down the hall in the night. And yep, I think fooling around on the couch would allow them to say "We didnt crawl into BED with each other, Grandma, if THAT'S what you think."

Autumn :
1) I don't know you, but you are a very sweet person.
2) I give you credit for saying this before my husband inherited an estate (see 3/26/07, above).
3) Whadda ya mean you don't know me? Go read the Great Hall of TMI. All you need to know right there.