If I knew how to do it I'd ask you to send a naked photo of yourself before you could click the link here because this post is so far beyond TMI that we need to be on an equal footing. No, no actual nude photos, but very bad mental images. Continue only if you think you can take it AND you are nowhere near work AND you have access to a shower so you can clean the nasty off you. Believe me this really isn't fit for public consumption - and if you want to know why that was a really regrettable choice of words, then click here ...
Yeah, the topic of this post is no big mystery. Faithful Readers will be able to guess what I did at the Spa besides the eyelash perm/tint and F*ci*l Deep Pore Violation Experience. Of course I got my first Brazilian wax. Why?
1. Gary has been plowing that field for over twenty-one years and I think he deserves a change of scenery.
2. Honest to God, I thought, "Well, that would be something to blog."
3. The ladies over on the Barenaked Cruise message board have all been talking about waxing, and Epiladying, and shaving, and shaving "BNL" into their pubic hair, and it sounded like the thing to do. Of course, if I had paid attention I would have noticed its the thing to do among twenty-somethings. (Along with http://www.softcup.com/, another recent underleg development of which I have been ignorant. It's a whole new world.)
Most fashion choices of the twenty-something young and trendies I attribute to the "Skips a Generation" theory. For example: False eyelashes. I can't wear those. Why? My Mom's generation wore those. I can't wear any of the things below:
Mary Kate Ashley Generation..................Mom's Generation
Spanx......................................................Girdles
Hair extensions....................................... Wiglets
Big Handbags...........................................Big Handbags
But the Brazilian? I can't reject that as a Fashion Throwback. I don't think any woman in HISTORY had the screwy idea to rip off all her girly fur. So this opens up waxing as an option for me.
My friend Catherine tried both to warn me off it and to get me drunk beforehand, out of her deep care and sweet concern for me. I just hopped right up on the spa table anyway and said "I want it all gone."
And after it was all gone (I only said ouch once) I hobbled off to the ladies room to check it out.
In order, these were my thoughts:
1. I have made a huge mistake.
2. I look like I'm five - this is going to turn Gary so far OFF it will shrivel up into a vanilla bean.
3. What's that mole doing there?
4. What the HELL is THAT? Barbie® didn't have that!
"That" was something I REALLY wasn't expecting: this deep crease that went from between my legs up into the visible underbelly area previously covered by hair. It looked like crotch cleavage. I almost immediately understood what it was, it's just that I really was not expecting it.
So I went home and looked at porn just to see if other women had crotch cleavage, and if they did if they were as endowed with it as I was. While finding photos of naked women standing facing the camera with their legs NOT spread was a challenge, I found to my relief that we all have it to some degree.
Gary's first response was outrage, until I reminded him whose pudenda this is. Then it changed into insistence that if I was going to be that naked for the naked photo on the Lido deck, that I should cover it up with my hands. I agreed to that, but also argued it would be just as effective to take a marker and draw curly-que hairs all over it.
Now he's past Anger and Bargaining and is into the Making Fun of The Wife stage. He's found that I get particularly worked up if he says, "You're crying at Grey's Anatomy? Who's a little girl? Oooos a widdle biddie baby gwurrll?"
Good thing you didn't get drunk, being dehydrated only makes it more painful.
Posted by: ariel | January 12, 2007 at 04:17 AM
You are far braver than you know. I cry when I get my eyebrows waxed. AND I get blisters. That other place is no place for blisters.
Posted by: Becs | January 12, 2007 at 04:44 AM
Ooooooh, that's gonna itch when it grows back!
Posted by: KD | January 12, 2007 at 06:13 AM
HA.
Okay, yes. I had a brazilian ONCE and I got the same reaction from my man.
"Good GOD. You look like you're NINE! That's wrong."
Posted by: Erin G. | January 12, 2007 at 10:00 AM
In the words of cartoonist Vaughn Bodie - Ick! Bald pussy!
Posted by: Becs | January 12, 2007 at 04:28 PM
Yeah, I'm going to go with Amy Poehler on this one...the hair is there as a back up, in case you forget to wear underwear!
You are so brave.
Posted by: Carrie | January 12, 2007 at 04:44 PM
Hah - brave? No, I am spotted. White skin with zillions of teeny purple spots. Soooooo attractive.
We've been watching an Arrested Development TiVothon and every time they say, "I Have Made a Huge Mistake" I unconsciously cover myself.
Still, every time they say "Bob Loblaw" it makes me almost wet my pants.
Posted by: TheQueen | January 12, 2007 at 04:53 PM
I prefer a landing strip. Less painful and I look like an adult. That, combined with my lack of breasts...
'nuff said.
Posted by: robin | January 13, 2007 at 01:30 PM
Excepted from Salon.com (and to follow-up on Carrie's comment):
**********
The larger artistic theme of the flashing series is hairlessness. And nobody summed up our general confusion on this topic better than "Saturday Night Live's" Amy Poehler, who eloquently opined, "Ladies, what's up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! It's a backup system for underwear! ... I remember when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza!"
*********
Well, gotta go. I've got a 2:30 appointment to shove bamboo shards into my nail beds. Ta!
Posted by: Marcia | January 13, 2007 at 02:14 PM
OOh Marcia, where can I go to get that done??
Posted by: robin | January 13, 2007 at 03:42 PM
Sorry, Robin darlin', yours are too long. Hah!
And, hey, I'd fawn over you (sans pity) if I could SEE you! :-P~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted by: Marcia | January 13, 2007 at 06:13 PM
I'll be in on Monday, no fawning! Just be sure to bring your leftover bamboo shards. All kinds of good DNA in there.
Posted by: robin | January 14, 2007 at 03:10 AM
crotch cleavage! Bwahahahahaha
Posted by: Brenda | January 31, 2007 at 01:08 AM
Haha! I love your humor! Yeah, Brazilian waxing is indeed going to be a change of scenery for your husband. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll get used to it. Anyway, not all Brazilian waxing experience is the same for every woman, some really like it, and others never want to do it again. In your case, at least you’re very brave about it. =)
Posted by: Justine Cricks | August 03, 2012 at 10:10 AM
Justine - Hmm... numbing cream products. Interesting.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 04, 2012 at 11:36 PM