Oooo, boy howdy. Are we in trouble.
Gary and I are going to Hell.
Catholic Hell.
Charismatic Catholic Hell.
Gary's Mom is condemning us to C.C.Hell because of the nudity issue. The nudity we will embrace on the BNL cruise. See, Gary told them of the nudity on the heels of their daily downer phone call from Gary's sister Sandy, which always distresses them.
Gary cheered them up with, "Hey, guess what I'm going to do on this cruise? I'm going to be naked!" I was there, and I heard the response. "Ho ho ho," and "he hee hee," and a couple of "tra la las." No smiting from God.
Well, they've had a week to consider it (and a week to hear Gary's sister Karen's opinion of it, I fancy) and now we have third-class tickets to Hell. ("Fans, you've been listening to Third Class Tickets to Hell, the new single by The Incestuous Pandas.")
I wasn't there when Gary was condemned, but reportedly his Father was too angry about it to even talk about it. His Mom had to relay all the information. I feel for her because now instead of just praying we don't shipwreck they have to pray for our very souls.
And who do they blame? Me? HAH! HahahaahHA No! The band. They blame Barenaked Ladies and their demonic influence over their virtuous son and incorruptible daughter-in-law. They point the Pointy Fingers of Judgment directly at the band. (Strangely, Gary and I are going to Hell, while the band seems to be in the clear, hell-wise.)
Gary went through the DVD of all the videos in an attempt to find one that made the band (and by association us) look innocent. Strangely, every video had either a) red hair (sign of the devil, ref. August 8, 2001) or b) dark chin beards or c) dreadlocks or d) cats at parties. So, no luck there. I'm thinking we could If I Had A Million Dollars off iTunes, reverse it in SoundForge, and dub in "Wilma? Ken? This is God. Ellen and Gary are going to Heaven," then reverse it back.
(Oddly, the first time the in-laws met my parents they walked into a house decorated prominently with charcoals from my Figure Drawing Class. "Oh, Ellen drew that nude in art class," bragged my Dad.)
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Gary just came back in from walking the dog. "You know, Ellen, I don't know if I feel comfortable doing this naked photo."
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I swear, just as I was typing in that LAST paragraph Gary talked himself back into the naked photo. Here's where he's at now:
"If we're lined up, and I'm on the end maybe, or if theres a guy and youre on one side and Im on the other side, maybe - I just can't hear something like "oh my god theres an old naked perv over there" - I'd have to spend the rest of the trip in my cabin. I have pervo-phobia. No, that's fear of pervs. whats fear of being identified as a perv? I'll check it on the internet."
(Sorry about the typos, but I was taking dictation right as he was saying it.) Sigh. Now he's looking up the definition of pervert and various types of perversion to be sure there isn't a specific type of "stand naked next to another naked person" perversion he may be found guilty of. You can always count on a visit with the in-laws to make Gary feel guilty about something he wasn't even doing.
The BNL are a third-class ticket to hell? I had no idea. Looks like fire & brimstone for me. Oh well.
That cruise looks awesome though. You guys get to hit the Turks AND the Caicos. Life is now complete.
Posted by: O | January 08, 2007 at 12:06 PM
Funny how one glib remark can throw everyone - the promo materials said "Some cruises stop in Turks! Some stop in Caicos! We stop in Turks and Caicos!" Luckily I searched on T&C before I made the same mistake as many on the cruise message board: "So, we stop in Turks Thursday, when do we go to Caicos?"
Posted by: TheQueen | January 08, 2007 at 07:58 PM
Yanno, isn't it blasphemy to presume to know whom God will damn? Don't they have to get a priest to interpret the bible for them first?
"Father, is nudity a mortal sin or a venial sin?"
Well, if it is true that you are both condemned, I'll save you a couple of lounge chairs on the shores of the Lake o' Fire.
Posted by: Marcia | January 08, 2007 at 10:37 PM
My mom won't even listen to a song by BNL, on account of their name.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | January 22, 2007 at 07:36 PM