Old Fish, New Fish, Pink Fish, Blue Fish

The Dr. Seuss title is misleading. This is another post in the saga of my never-ending seach for personal entertainment devices.

Yep, Mom, this IS the one you told me not to post.

In the past I have complained bitterly about my vibrator. (Bye, Mom!) One of my biggest complaints is it just looks absurd. (Caution: Disturbing Image Warning. Not work-appropriate.)

The neon pink color and the ridiculous rabbit-shaped flange (why? why?) were some of the most off-putting things about my little helper, so when I discovered this lovely blue sculptural model  instead, I ordered it right up. Yes! Did you see that? It was all abstract instead of representational and anthropomorphic! And the shape, intriguing, no? One friend (Friend #5) suggested I may have inadvertently purchased a device meant for a slightly different purpose than what I had planned, but I felt I could make do.

Interestingly, while I waited for my newly ordered device to arrive, my old device suddenly stepped up to the plate. I think it was trying harder because it sensed our relationship was in peril. He was worried, and I think he made a little extra effort.

Finally, the day arrived and I had my first liaison with my intriguing new friend. TWO hours and NOTHING. Well, not nothing per se, but not enough. I felt the need to encourage myself with a little vocal augmentation.

Gary stuck his head in the door. (He'd come home about an hour into this debacle and I shooed him away, because when I set a goal I work to achieve it, goddammit.)

He said, "Are you DONE yet? You've been in here for hours! What was that noise you were making? You're faking an orgasm for your VIBRATOR? Just give up already!"

I gave up.  I went back to my old pink friend, because really, looks aren't everything. I think it meant a lot for his ego. 

Actually, I gave up for about three weeks  (really, it's not like it's my hobby), and then the mood struck me. That "Gary needs his sleep" mood. I fished out my cunning new blue friend again and put the batteries in. Turned it on. Nothing.

Flipped the batteries. Turned it on. Nothing.

Changed to all new batteries and tried every possible battery permutation and NOTHING!NOTHING!NOTHING! What does that mean? I have made a vibrator impotent.  Still, I'm keeping him around just to keep the fear of God in Old Pink.

The moral of the story?  Never give up. 

Comments

[Raquita]

Hill - larious, tell your mom somebody is glad you posted that - just what I needed. Sheer hilarity. I'm tellin you I may have to go out and buy a pink guy of my own.

[Silk]

(Pulsating showerhead named Fred.)

Who's the green fellow in the upper left of the last picture? He looks happy.

[becs]

Yeah. You know you've got some real issues if you fake it while you're masturbating.

[TheQueen]

Raquita - Hi! For all my complaints about the pink guy, he is efficient, I'll say that.

Silk - The green guy is Homey, a Homedics body massager with a big bright Try Me! written on his head. How could you not love that! Literally.

Becs - It's really bad when you feel the need to cuddle with the devices afterward and tell them they were the best you've ever had.

[Carroll]

Your Majesty, I am hooked! Wandered over here from your comment at Fluid Pudding, and I have to say, no blog has made me chortle like this one in a very long time. Bookmarked you have been!

[judibleu]

Battery Operated Boy,(Bob,for short), little has been written, much should be told.Nice commentary, the blue one looks like a player.

[TheQueen]

Hello Miss "I'm Going to Paris!" Carroll! You brighten my Wednesdays too.

Judibleu - As a sculptress, I know you see the appeal of Blue Boy. But he only looks like a playah, he doesn't walk the walk.

[judibleu]

Bummer!

[Friend #2]

You're fucking kidding me? You bought a Picasso vibrator and were upset that it didn't "work" for you?

Ever tried just using your fingers?

[TheQueen]

Dude, you KNOW I don't like being touched.