Next, the Sterno

Dude. I am so wasted. Duuuuuude. I had a cough earlier today. I can't tell you how long I've had this cough, because I had some cough syrup and time no longer has any meaning.

In my family, we got out the spoon and measured out a precise teaspoon of the syrup. In Gary's family they took the bottle of STRAIGHT CODEINE  and slammed back a mouthful. I have taken to the S________ method. I also don't follow the time constraints that say I shouldn't exceed one bottle in 24 hours: I figure if I've started to cough again it's worn off and I need more. I do not recommend this to anyone. It makes you pretty wasted. Dude. I am so faced.

I started early. My family gave me whiskey and honey when I had the croup as a toddler. My first scary cough syrup experience was when I was about eleven. Mom gave me a dose of NyQuil and sent me to bed. A little while after that I had to get out of bed and report other alarming symptoms to Mom.

"Mom. I feel weird."
"What's wrong, honey?"
"I feel funny. Like .... fluttery."
"Fluttery where?"
"Down there. In my pants."

I truly thought I was having some strange flu-related vagina spasm, but Mom explained that was the Nyquil, and Nyquil contains alcohol, and alcohol can have the effect of making you feel fluttery down there. (Mom will probably deny this whole story, but I recall it as if it were yesterday.)

If Gary ever hears I have this taste for cough medicine it will only contribute to his belief I am an alcoholic. What proof does he have? Proof I say? Proof! Here is WHAT HE CONSIDERS proof. The bartender in Chicago poured about 2 inches of Baileys into a glass when Gary asked for a shot, and he turned his back and I had glugged it down. It is BAILEYS. It is tasty! Does he set up an intervention when I snarf down a candy bar? No. I protested this was not grounds for sending me to AA, and then the next day he woke me up with:

"How do you feel this morning?"
"Fine."
"YOU ARE NOT EVEN A LITTLE HUNG OVER? ALKIE! ALKIE!"

And now I'm chugging cough medicine. I'm drinking cough medicine responsibly, though, I don't plan to climb up on ladders and decorate in this state.

(Cough) Time for more juice. Duuuuude. (Reels around house, crashing into walls.) Dude. I just checked the cough medicine for alcohol percentages. HAH. It's Robotussin. No alcohol at all. HAH! This is messed up. Seriously, I am so faced right now. Dudes.

Wikipedia will tell me why I'm drunk if there's no alcohol. Wikipedia says 1) an aside: chocolate is a good cough suppressant 2) and Robotussin contains dextromethorphan, as in "dextro" = nimble, dexterous, "meth"=meth, duh, and "orphan"= as in ORPHANS. And in addition to 10mg of Nimble Meth Orphans there's 100 mg of Guaifensin. My research has uncovered this is a substance that will make me cough. What's up with that?

The only thing I can account for the narcotic effect of Robotussin is that Wikipedia says this dextromethorphan works on the Central Nervous System and brain, and WHOA it crosses the blood-brain barrier and I don't need any more of that, and if I can't metabolize some enzyme called CYP2D6 I could die from cough medicine! And hey! Guess what else can make you not metabolize CYP2D6? Antidepressants, my favorite evening snack.  Seriously? Seriously? So, I might be one of the 10% who don't metabolize this enzyme, plus on top of that I'm chugging Robutussin, plus I already have a leaky blood-brain barrier from the MS anyway. No more Robutussin in the house ever. Ev. Er.Give me the 10% alcohol NyQuil any day.

Comments

[becs]

Girl, you need a friend in the UK. Or you need to go to the Bahamas. I recommend the latter. Because in the UK or once-UK-related countries, 15 mg of codeine is not a controlled substance. That means you can get it over the counter. And yes, I stocked up as much as I could when I was there.

Do you remember paregoric? It's tincture of opium. Once upon a time, you could buy it OTC and it was shoved in my mouth any time someone had a whim to. No wonder I like Xanax. Sheesh.

[TheQueen]

I believe Gary's parents still have paregoric in their medicine cabinet.

[melati]

I give this post 10 of 10 shots of tequila. If you really want some noona-flutters, try scheduled narcotics. It's medicine that makes you have an orgasm in your sleep, I swear.

[TheQueen]

I would type a respniose but i am on cough syrup. the pharamsist said the reason the put the methaddict orphan pickpockets in the drugs is because its the only thing that works. SO i say, central nervous system, i believe you and my immune system have met before ami right?