Dear Whitey Herzog,
I would like you to come back and coach the Saint Louis Cardinals again, please. Because when you coached and we lost at least it was still enjoyable. Whiteyball! Like, that time we were losing 11 to 0 and you decided to do some completely demented thing like have every single player try pitching. And remember when you had Jose Oquendo pitch? And catch? And play shortstop and all the bases? That was great. I think Jose is still on the team, coaching. You could go have some beers and catch up.
You know who else is still in the game? Jack Buck still calls the games. Kind of. Well, his son calls the games. And there I was tonight, all ready to hear him say "Go crazy, folks, go crazy," but instead I PRACTICALLY FELL ASLEEP. I don't mind losing, but at least with you in there we lost with some drama. You know, like an umpire makes such a hideous call it breaks everyone's spirits. Or the base-stealer gets run over by the tarp machine. The TARP! Genius! Instead, the only emotion I felt tonight was a little tension because in one of those little short movies they put between innings there were some little SlimJim creatures that were being hunted. What are those little short movies called? Anyway.
The last time I was in Chicago, fifteen years ago, I woke up to the hotel radio saying you were leaving. It would be so cool if you would come back this November when I go back to Chicago again.
P.S. You know, if you come back, please tell the FOX camera people that sometimes people just sit with their hands clasped. They aren't praying. They just sit that way.