In Which I Embarrass Myself at Dinner

"...If I had a million dollars,
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
[spoken]But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Course we would, we'd just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That's right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchup.
Mmmmmm
Mmm"
- Barenaked Ladies, "If I Had a Million Dollars"

I went out to dinner last night with the red-headed Catherine (not to be confused with Catherine of LA and blog fame, often called Sass, whom I have never met and truly may be a French Catamite for all I know.)

Catherine knows every restaurant in Saint Louis and wanted me to try tapas at Boogaloo. It was crowded and we waited for a table instead of doing the one thing I have always wanted to do: bribe someone. I had the twenty in hand, but instead we waited at the bar. Then we went ahead and had tapas at the bar: a giant deep-fried block of cheese, craw-fish cakes, and beer-battered okra and yams. All washed down with limeade cocktails (not deep-fried). We decided it was too noisy; we were tired of yelling our innermost thoughts at each other; and we should try another restaurant because my GOD only THREE plates of deep-fried appetizers? We were STARVING.

Across the street we found Monarch, a lovely place. We were a little put off by the potential prices. Luckily we had just had our fill of appetizers so we were not tempted by the thirty dollar BBQ short ribs. And this place has a bistro/wine bar where they give you half portions of the dining room menu for half price. They sold us with the secluded booth in the back. (Yet again I didn't get a chance to bribe anyone.)

A trio of waiters were assigned for us to flirt with:
Waiter 1: Waterboy (twenties)
Waiter 2: Wine waiter (thirties)
Waiter 3: Mr. Waiter (fifties)

Waterboy Waiter #1 came by, filled our water, and chatted us up. He said something like "I tink you'll enjoy it here" and I asked pleasantly:

"You have an accent. Where are you from?"
"Sout Saint Louis. But people tell me I have an accent all de time. I tink I pick up Pierre's accent, he's from France."

So, let the count begin. 1 (one) : I embarrass myself by suggesting a Speech Defect is an accent. And he kept coming back to fill our water glasses so I kept having to make eye contact.

Wine waiter came around to suggest wines. He immediately picked up on the fact that my palate is uneducated. (This may be because I told him I had just had an amusing little wine and I was looking for a big belly laugh wine. Oh, plus I said "I know nothing about wine. Just pick one.") He got me a glass of Strub Niersteiner-Bruckchen Kabinett Riesling, which was fabulous. I could not taste any hint of the oyster shells they had bragged about in the wine bio, or the rubber (!) they hint at in the link. (I think these wine reviewers like messing with suggestible people.) I told him it tasted a lot like Diet Rite White Grape Soda. Yummy.

He took our orders and I decided the Festival of Fried Foods from Boogaloo was resting easily in my stomach and I needed some protein. And then I spied Lobster Macaroni and Cheese. (Click for the recipe, skip the intro, go to PRESS on the menu, and it's the third item down.) How could I pass that up, and how could I resist asking the waiter if they served Dijon ketchup with it?

"Dijon ketchup?" he asked, confused.
"You know. Like in the song... Never mind."
"We have Dijon mustard -"
"No, no, it's okay. Don't worry about it."

I would count that as Embarrassment Number 2 (two count em two!). But wait! There's more!

Mr. Waiter, a new waiter in his fifties who was assigned the responsibility of carrying the Lobster Mac and Cheese out to me, looked at me and said -- prepare for: Number Three (3! 3! How Many Is Three? Three Humiliations):

"[Wine waiter] and the chef and I were talking in the kitchen and we are curious about Dijon ketchup. Is there a recipe for this?"
I dropped my fork and covered my face with my hands. I peeked up at Mr. Waiter to see if he was messing with me. He was sincere. However, my wine laughed at me. My Lobster Mac and Cheese looked at me askance.

"No" I groaned, "It's just a line from a song."
"Oh," he said, "We thought you might be from France." I did not say "Oh, because I have a speech defect?" saving myself from further embarrassment, because that would have to be explained...and...(sigh).

I drowned my embarrassment in a light, delicate Half Pound of Banana Walnut Bread Pudding. Catherine, the slacker, decided all she could eat was the blackberry on top. That led to a half embarrassment at home when I reported to Gary that she likes blackberries and I had recommended she plant a blackberry bush at her house. My husband, helpful as always, warned birds would eat the blackberries and poop them out all over her deck.

"No,"I said, "Catherine has a cat."
Gary asked, "Is it a flying cat?" which I think counts as a half-embarrassment.

So, I give this dining experience a 3.5, out of an infinite number of stars of embarrassment.

Comments

[Vaguely Urban]

Wish I'd been at dinner with you! It sounds like it was delish. More importantly, I could have saved you one star worth of embarassment. When you made the BNL reference, I would have busted out, "You always wanted a mon-KEE!" to validate you.

[TheQueen]

I should have seen it coming - when we left Boogaloo, Catherine suggested the "restaurant down the street" and only nodded when I asked "where hungry people like to eat?"

Then again, Catherine suggested I get the Marroon 5 Live CD, so I will love her forever.

[Catherine]

How did you know I was really a French Catamite?! My cover has been blown.

In other news, I would have totally dug into the dessert with you, because bread pudding ROCKS.

The Lobster Macaroni & Cheese sounds DIVINE.

Finally, my favorite BNL song is "Deck the Stills" from the Christmas album. I laugh heartily and for extended periods of time whenever I think of or listen to that song.

[Catherine (redheaded one)]

I will do my BNL homework for our next dinner outing.
BTW...I did not hear her wine laughing, ...I ate more than just the berry on top, I ended up not liking the bread part of the pudding; the caramel was great.
...I have mulberry tree, it's the only tree in my backyard, and yes birds eat them and poop purple all over the deck and pond despite the flying cat. But, alas, it isn't a blackberry bush, I still need one of those.

[TheQueen]

Red Headed Catherine! I thought of you last night when I went to Provisions and bought THREE bottles of that wine. Anyone who comes over will have to help me drink it, if there is any left by the next GNO.

[Catherine (redheaded one)]

so, when's the next GNO? I'm all in...maybe if I sit very still, I would hear it laugh and that would amuse me.