Memorial Day Observed at the In-Laws

Shall I start with the conversation I had with Gary on the drive to the In-Laws? We were talking about the Kathy Griffin special in which she discusses "vagina drop." Gary said:

"At times ... as I have been doing my research on the Internet, I sometimes come across images of vaginas.  I think some might be droopy. But you can't tell unless the woman is shaved."
"And what is up with that?" I asked, "What is that for? Is it for...navigation? Or do men want the woman to look pre-pubescent?"
"I think those women are just very committed swimmers. Shaving makes you swim faster, and if you're competitive, well, every second helps."
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Then at the In-laws, Karen came in from the bathroom and exclaimed "MOM. Have you run out of Holy Water again?"

The S______s are not only Catholic, they are Charismatic Catholics, and I didn't even know those existed, but they do. Speaking in tongues, and miraculous healings with Holy Oil, and visions. Really no crazier than any other religion, of course.

Wilma and Ken therefore have Holy Water in little fonts on the walls screwed in next to all the light switches in every room. So you can anoint yourself whenever. So I figured they were overindulging and had run out. No, Wilma said, they were worried mosquitoes would breed in it. In the house. In the Holy Water. And you know, mosquitoes carry West Nile virus. And the birds aren't going to be eating the mosquitoes because they'll all be dead from the flu.
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Then, during the polite luncheon conversation Gary said he had been ridiculed by his friends at work for not washing his pants every time he wore them.

Karen gasped, "Oh I do! You don't wash your pants? That's disgusting." (Then she belched. I do not lie.)
Gary defended himself. "Well I wash my underwear every time! Do you wash your underwear every time?"
"Yes" she stammered. "When I wear it."

Forks dropped.

Well, Gary and my forks dropped. The elder In-Laws, Karen, and Mr. Wonderful continued eating.
"GGAAAAAAHHH!" Gary screamed.
Karen pointed out, "Well, neither does [Mr. Wonderful]"
"GGAAAAAAHHH!"
I turned away. "I can't look at you two ever again." I turned back. "No. I can only picture you naked now."
Karen left the room, and Mr. Wonderful leaned in and whispered, "She doesn't wear a bra either."
"GGAAAAAAHHH!"
"Gary, were we talking to you?" I inquired politely.
"Mom!" Gary screamed, "Make them stop!"

We did stop, and Karen returned to the room (I checked her out, no bra. At least no bra that had a strap in the back; I didn't grope her, if that's what you're thinking.) The conversation continued on a calmer track. For at least two or three minutes.

Then I asked Wilma: "You wear underwear, don't you?"
"Well, now I do!" she said, alarmed. I didn't say a word, but she went on entirely without prodding and volunteered, "It's hot running back and forth to that barbecue outside! But I put it on when I knew people were coming over."
"GGAAAAAAHHH!GGAAAAAAHHH!"
"Ken?" I asked. "How about you?"
"GGAAAAAAHHH! Don't answer her, Dad!"
He didn't answer me because Wilma needed to continue her underwear protest.
"Well why should he? It's hot! He wears it when he goes out!"
And it was about that time that everyone stood up because lunch was over and everyone got a long hard sideways look from me. We all started our farewells.
"Don't think I'm hugging any of you people goodbye," I insisted. And then I flashed my bra at them.
"GGAAAAAAHHH!"
"Oh, WHAT." I cried. "Gary, they. Don't. Wear. Underwear."
"GGAAAAAAHHH!"
"I can take off my bra if it will make you all feel more comfortable," I said, as Gary dragged me out to the car.

Perhaps underwear contributes to vagina drop. Maybe they're on to something.

Comments

[Catherine]

Man, and I thought *my* family's conversations were awkward. Still, heh.

[Catherine (redheaded one)]

Oh, Holy Cow! I am laughing my ass off! This is hilarious! I hope you were flashing your Victoria's Secret bra...

[TheQueen]

Every bra is a Victoria Secret bra. And the next day I was teasing Gary at my Mom's and flashed my bra at him, in front of Mom, which causes him great distress, and Mom referred to our mall bra adventure when I inadvertently flashed the teenagers.

[Catherine]

I think Vagina Drop is opening for Fingering Husband's Rectum for the summer tour.

Okay, I think I just grossed *myself* out with that one.

[TheQueen]

And thank you, Catherine, nothing better when you can't sleep than a big belly laugh. Besides, I never got to work in that in small clubs FHR usually plays whilst sitting on stools.

And I'm sure you do know that Vagina Drop's biggest supporter is Matt Kegel (former QB for the Minnesota Vikings).

[Catherine]

I did know that about Kegel supporting Vagina Drop! I also knew that VD (heh, "VD") was greatly inspired by the works of Joey Ramone (real name: Jeffrey Hyman).