In Which we Mock Dog AND Husband

I would like to think my dog is housebroken. I would like to think that. It is a lie, but I would like to hold on to that lie.

I have only two dog rules:

1)       Do not move your bowels inside the house.

2)       Do not void your bladder inside the house.

I think the dog understands my list; he just has a longer list of loopholes and clauses that often override my two rules. If he could list his exemptions, they would be:

1)       I, _________ [state dog’s name] believe there is a rain and snow exemption to the two human rules stated above.

2)       I believe if a human is not watching me perform the act outside then I should “go” inside so they can appreciate it.

3)       I believe my urine protects the inside of the house from predators if reapplied daily.

So, he really isn’t breaking the rules, I just am not aware of all the conflicting dog rules. This applies to my husband as well. I have a very few limited rules, and while it seems that he ignores them, it’s just that his set of rules are sometimes in conflict with my rules. My rules are:

1)       Move your bowels and bladder inside the house and never let me know about it.

2)       Do not talk to me when:

a.      I am on the phone with someone else

b.      I am listening to music in the car and Steven Page is singing

c.      I am asleep

3)       If we have a party, do not make extra work for me to do.

4)       If I am working around the house, do not follow me around and suggest how I could be doing that housework more effectively.

Gary’s unstated exemptions to the above rules are:

1)       I, Gary, feel the first bathroom visit of the day should be announced so all inhabitants of the house know that elimination production is meeting normal standards. And I deserve a treat and a belly rub for that.

2)       I believe that:

a.      The people you are on the phone with would like to know I am still around.

b.      You need to be kept alert in the car.

c.      If I talk to you when you sleep you talk back in your sleep and say funny things with which I can mock you when you waken.

3)       If we have a party, and the books are not in Dewey Decimal order, you just don’t understand how that reflects on the man in the family.

4)       But don’t you want me to help with the housework?

Comments

[Catherine]

Man, I'm not married nor do I have a dog, but I still feel like I need to be taking notes on what my Future House Rules should be! Thanks for the primer.

For what it's worth, I like your rules much more. The exemptions? Not so much.

[TheQueen]

The irony? These are, SERIOUSLY, the only rules I ask either of them to follow. Gary has his own set of rules for me, all of which I cheerily ignore.

[Catherine]

Ha! Good for you!