Three Funerals and No Wedding

My uncle Jack died and I went to the visitation today. Jack was my Dad's brother, and therefore my step-uncle. It's a little complicated: I consider Dan (my stepfather) to be my Dad, my step-grandmother my grandma, but Jack is my step-uncle. Since Dad died seventeen years ago, we haven't heard much from that side of the family, which isn't all that surprising, I suppose.

I went fully expecting two things: 1. I expected the corpse to be photographed.  2. I  expected no one would recognize me.

First, about corpse photography. Dad's aunt had a book of daguerreotypes and old photos and quite a few of them were of the dead. (I suppose they wouldn't move much and it made them good daguerreotype subjects. Plus, the photo wouldn't steal their souls.) This was fascinating to me.

I know some families feel even today that the dearly departed is an apt subject for photos. I find this repellent. You know what else is repellent? Touching the corpse. This brings me to:

Grandma's Funeral
Mom's mom died and was outlived by her husband Ray, my STEP-(oh SO step)-Grandfather. He did a scandalous thing at her funeral. Well, he brought his girlfriend, but this in my eyes was even more scandalous: he touched the dead body. He was discussing her arthritis and hauled her hand out of the coffin as a visual aid. Aunt Carleen hustled up to him and said, haughtily and distinctly, "Have you LOST your mind?" I don't know what happened next, Gary dragged me over to some flowers and distracted me.

Gary's family has a long history of touching the corpse. This is why I donated my body to science.

Step-uncle Jack was not photographed or touched during the time I was there (approx 12 minutes). I didn't stay long, but I went because he was related to my Dad, and because Mom would expect a report. I have attended visitations as Mom's proxy before.  For example, I went to:

Mom's Friend Carolyn's Father's Funeral
Nothing much happened at that funeral per se - I went to give Carolyn a hug from my mom. I did not view the corpse, since I had not only never met him, I had never heard stories about him. So the corpse of honor was of no interest to me. I did not view the corpse, I just gave Carolyn my mom's respects.
A few weeks later, Mom asked Carolyn, "So how's your Dad feeling?"
"Dead." (I was not there but I can guess there was an awkward pause.) "... Your daughter was at the funeral."
Mom stepped up to the challenge. "She did not report seeing a coffin. How am I to know he's really dead?"

So I called Mom from the parking lot to remind her not to make any faux pas if she encountered her in-laws. I was expecting to go unrecognized by this family because as I said, it had been seventeen years, and sixty pounds, but as soon as I walked in Brad saw me and introduced me to someone as his cousin Ellen.  It reminded me of:

My STEP-Grandfather Ray's funeral
On the way to Southern Missouri to attend Ray's funeral, Mom alerted me that I would meet some distant relatives I might not recognize. (Not that "those people" would care if I didn't know them. ) Ray had a family from his first wife and there were quite a few of them. I had heard stories of embezzling and babies born in tubs, but I hadn't known what connection "those people" had with Grandpa Ray. It seems I hadn't seen them at Grandpa and Grandma's EVER because "those people" weren't all that welcome at my Grandma's house. This is why I was floored when they saw mom and said:
"Margie! Come over here! This is our sister Margie! And who is this? Hey, kids, that's your Cousin Ellen!"

That is why is was kind of nice that my cousin Brad did recognize me and introduced me as his cousin Ellen. This immediately elevated him from step-cousin to cousin status. In fact, cousin Jayne and cousin Sandy recognized me too. That's why I went over to the body and and looked (but did not touch).

"Why, Ellen" my step-uncle Jack's corpse said, "How ya doin'?" Then he reached out of the coffin and slapped my back. Well, no, I made that up. But he looked like he could have. He was barely dead. It was creepy. I have never seen such an alive-looking corpse. He looked just like Jack did while alive. Draw your own conclusions.

Comments

[Queen Mother]

After reading these accurate descriptions of family funerals I regret I wil not be here to celebrate my own by reading The Queen's blog about it. My only contribution will be The Death File I have been compiling for ten years in hopes of controling every aspect of my demise. Now I have to go back and add some comedy to the file to juice up the insurance numbers and such.

[Catherine]

My Mom's family is big on taking photos during funerals. I don't know if it's a Filipino thing, a Catholic thing or a combination of both, but it kind of creeps me out, too. But then, I was born and raised in the U.S. and so am very Westernized when it comes to matters of death.

Example: When my Grandfather (the Tagalog term is Lolo) died ten years ago, we went back to the Philippines for the funeral. The wake was taking place in the living room, and everyone from the town seemed to be in the house waiting for us to arrive.

Including Grandpa.

Yeah. It was quite a sight to see my Lolo's casket (open but with plexiglas over, well, him) surrounded by dozens of people I didn't know in a terrifically humid house after 24 hours of travel. And did I mention that he was still there WHEN WE WENT TO SLEEP? Uh, YEAH. If memory serves, the funeral home people picked him up in the morning for the service.

To make an already long story short, I didn't sleep well that night knowing that my deceased Lolo was in the living room below me. At least I'll have many photos to remember the wake by.

[TheQueen]

I think what creeps me out about the photos is that I see it from the point of view of the corpse. Granted, a professional has done your hair and makeup, but you still aren't looking your best, are you? Then again, Uncle Jack looked perhaps even less cadaverous than in life.

I don't think I could take sleeping in a home with a corpse, especially humid. I admire you for heading off for the Phillipines; I don't even cross state lines for a funeral.

[Delores Brazaski]

Taking photos of the deceased is not a new or rare thing in America. First of all 100 years ago most people didn't use funeral homes and the dearly departed was commonly laid out in the living room or the parlor (look at "Gone with the Wind"). In the 1930's this was still a very common practice, more so because people couldn't afford a funeral home. The funeral as we know it has only been around 50 to 60 years or so. In the 1860's men had thier photos taken before they went off to war, so their family would have a picture of them if they died. Photographs were taken at funerals, because photography was not that common and was expensive and the funeral was your last chance to get a picture of the deceased. I read an interesting article from 1907, where a woman had her husband's body exhumed 3 weeks after he was buried so she could have him photographed becasue she didn't have a picture of him, she had to get a permit - now that is creepy.
But the custom of taking photos of the deceased was fairly popular through the 1950's. It has diminished as photography became cheaper and more readily available and most people had, at some point had their picture taken while alive.

[TheQueen]

Delores - (Hi and Welcome!) That's very interesting. I suppose the excuse nowadays is that there is no recent photo of that person - People in hospital rooms don't like to be photographed, I suppose. that starts to make sense.