Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Tire Store

Sometimes Gary has anxiety, and the only way he knows how to ease his anxiety is to purchase something, and every winter that purchase is tires.

I thought he bought a whole new set of tires every year, but when we were at the tire store I found that it's only two tires a year.

This wasn't enough to calm his fears, so he told the tire man that he felt that he needed new shocks and struts.

Tire man said, "That's a good decision, because our shocks and struts are guaranteed for life."

I spoke up. "Check to see that we didn't already get shocks and struts here."

"DO NOT CHECK" Gary demanded. "I HAVE NEVER BOUGHT SHOCKS AND STRUTS ANYWHERE."

"That's so odd. I could swear we had bought them here. Check anyway," I asked the man.

'I NEVER GOT SHOCKS AND STRUTS HERE." Gary insisted.

Tire man said, "I see you did get shocks and struts on the Mini Cooper."

"Check the Fit." I said.

"THE FIT HAS NEVER HAD ITS SHOCKS AND STRUTS REPLACED."

Tire man said, "It looks like you got shocks and struts on the Fit... two years ago."

Gary was ... shocked. And you know I strutted the rest of the day.

Keeping up with the Neighbors

Remember how I was proud of our stone wall that was made from actual stone?

Seriously, look what the neighbors two doors over have done.

"We see your stones, and we raise you BOULDERS."

I am ... crushed.

 

Small Uprising of The People

Gary and I have been waiting to take to the streets. We are prepared: the instant Mueller is fired we will drop what we are doing and run downtown to protest.

Well, the day after Sessions was fired, Rachel Maddow told us the Time Is Now, or rather the Time Is the Next Day right in the middle of my doctor's appointment.

We figured the 5:00 protest would last an hour, at least. That's why we were surprised when we got downtown at 5:45 and saw this:

Maybe fifty people? They were just holding signs and eliciting honks. We decided instead to exercise our free right to go to the restaurant across the street and use the bathroom and eat dinner. We thought things might pick up, and if it did we would hear the noise, eat quickly, and join in.

When we got there, all the diners at Caleco's were a buzz about the extremely loud protest that had ruined their dinners. I heard a group complaining while Gary was in the bathroom, then while we were eating I overheard a woman at the next table saying:

"But what were they protesting? I asked one of them, but he wouldn't answer me. Really? If you're going to be that loud, be proud." Her group didn't have an answer.

Because I am an idiot, I caught the woman's eye and said, "I know why."

"Why?" she said, "Is it a Saint Louis thing?"

"Oh no," Gary interrupted (if you can interrupt an eavesdropping), "They're protesting that the President fired the Attorney General and hired someone else instead of allowing the deputy to take the Attorney General's place."

"So it's not a Saint Louis thing." said the woman. 

"But isn't that his right?" asked the woman's husband. "He's the President. It's his choice."

Gary went on to explain that it's not, the Justice department is separate and that appointment has to be approved by the Senate, and before he actually said the words "checks and balances" he controlled himself. Argument avoided.

Of course, after we headed home I discovered the argument was not over, it continued in absentia because Gary still had the urge to convince them, even though they were miles away.

No problem. Gary knew to shut it down at the time. Civility triumphed.

 

Grapes

Last year, after watching a cute video of a baby raccoon eating grapes, I took some loose grapes and strew them on top of the Big Pile O' Decaying Nuts and Dog Food where the raccoons eat.

No interest. None.

This year, Gary saw the same video and noticed the grapes were still on the stem.

Evidently, that was the trick.

Now we're going to have to figure out how to attach those apples to the tree.

 

Guster at Delmar Hall

The Guster concert at Delmar Hall was remarkable.

1. It was a general admission concert with a limited number of seats, and Gary and I scored seats: black metal barstools that became torture devices after a few hours. When the concert was done I required a bit of butt massage before I was able to walk.
2. The seats were against the wall. Everyone else stood and danced. Some woman stood right in front of me, so close that she was virtually sitting on my knee. Then, she said something to her boyfriend. I don't know what facial message I sent to her that she picked up on. Perhaps she said, "Why doesn't this woman plaster herself to the wall to give me space to dance?" I only heard his half of the conversation, which was, "Well, you're standing right in front of her, and you're invading her personal space." Yeah, good call there, boyfriend.  Then -- triumph -- they left between acts.
3. Gary ordered a whiskey instead of his standard Bailey's. He taught me how to drink whiskey - did you know you're not supposed to swallow at first? You leave it on your tongue and keep your mouth slightly open so the fumes can escape. Then after the toxic fumes dissipate, you drink it.
4. The sound quality at Delmar Hall is better than the Sheldon and the Pageant, so audiences like it. I don't know how much musicians like it. Both Steven Page and Ryan from Guster made remarks. When Steven Page commented that it seemed sterile to him, I thought he was referring to the black walls. He might have been commenting on the way things sounded up on the stage. I don't know how music usually sounds to a band on stage, but Ryan from Guster said that the sound was "pristine," and that we could probably hear them fart, and that the music was just going out into the audience and laying there.

 And of course, even though the did not play my favorite song, I still enjoyed it greatly.

Podcasts

Well, it would seem having the perfect music to exercise by wears thin after one week. Instead, I've been exercising on the indoor bike while listening to podcasts.

I haven't heard any podcasts other than Serial, which I loved. I binged Serial over a weekend.

I compiled a list of all the best podcasts. I thought they would all be like Serial, and I was wrong. It seems they generally consist of mildly amusing people being more amused by themselves than merited (which in a surprising moment of clarity I realize that describes me).

Anyway, I looked for podcasts similar to Serial, which led me to S-Town, which struck me as being too revealing about the intimate details of one person's life. (There's a theme here, isn't there.)

My next try was to stick with NPR. When I was on Twitter I followed the woman from Pop Culture Happy Hour, and I wondered why my station didn't carry PCHH, and I suppose they didn't because it's a podcast. It's a podcast that sent me to the game "You Are Jeff Bezos," and I will always treasure that, but I think I want something short and narrative.

Sounds like it's old episodes on This American Life for me.

Stuff vs Vacations

I know that I tell myself that the memory of a vacation lasts longer than any material thing you would have spent that money on. I know my memories of Paris will endure longer than a remodeled kitchen will be in style.

However, I must say I don't think of Paris multiple times a day, yet that's how often I do flush our new Toto toilet. (And let me tell you, if you need a toilet, go Toto. Oh, my god. I just have to hop down off it, give it a stern glance over my shoulder, and it flushes violently enough to suck all the air from the room. That's an exaggeration. But damn, it's a good toilet.)

Of course, I keep seeing posts from friends who are off on vacation and I am consumed by envy. I don't know if I can make it till early 2020, when Disney World opens up its Star Wars area. I just went with friends to visit Missouri wine country a few months ago. I think Gary and I might need to spend the day down there.

Of course, that's halfway to Memphis.

i admit I did sign up for one of the Orient Express Omaze contests. God help anyone who has to share a bathroom with Gary and me.

Ah, the travel itch. It doesn't go away. I need to go flush my toilet a few times.

Chuck and Gary

A few months back, Gary discovered the TV show Chuck. A computer geek becomes an accidental spy with the help of a hot blonde female spy and a steel-jawed male spy. Romance and kickboxing ensue. Subway sandwiches kept it going for five seasons. Friend #3 recommended it when it first came out, but the pilot just didn't grab us. Reruns are on Amazon now.

I say Gary "discovered" it. No. He became obsessed with it. He raced through season one and got well into season two before I gave in to the relentless nagging and watched a bit of it. I liked it, but not obsessively. I watched a few episodes he said were "key," but I couldn't possibly keep up with Gary because I have a job.

After a few weeks, the binge neared its end. The series had to go into its last season and its final story arc. One day I came home and asked Gary how his day was, steeling myself for the recap of This Day In Chuck.

He sighed heavily. "It's awful. They've ruined Chuck. Ruined it. I have to stop watching."
"Seriously? What happened?"
"I can't tell you. I have to show you. Watch this episode with me."

So, spoilers, but the writers sabotage the relationship between the hot blonde female spy and Chuck to set up tension for the end of the series. I reminded Gary that it's a TV show and there would be a happy ending. And we kept watching the next few episodes and lo, there is muted happy ending. Gary teared up. A lot. I sniffled a little myself. Not as much as Gary.

Later that week, we were unpacking some fight we'd had, and Gary said, "It bothered me that you got so upset. I get upset and you don't, that's how we are. Our relationship is just like Chuck and Sarah's. That's why I like that show so much."

I just gaped at him (and not just because he somehow believes he gets to have all the emotions). He thinks we are the Chuck couple? Granted, he is a computer nerd, but I am not an ass-kicking hot blonde spy.

Then I started to think about it, and blonde spy Sarah is quieter than Chuck, unless she is saying one of these two things:

"Chuck, don't freak out" (calmly), or, "You got this, Chuck" (earnestly and encouragingly).

I stored that information away, and then of course I had to watch every episode of Chuck FOR MY MARRIAGE. Gary was already re-watching his favorite ones anyway.

So, now that I know how he views our relationship, things have become much easier.

When he clutches his head and moans because I'm complaining about something, I just say, "Chuck, don't freak out."

When he's cranky because, I don't know, the raccoons are opening the back gate then not shutting it, I grasp his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, earnestly, "Chuck, you've got this."

If there's ever a Chuck reunion, I insist that both characters gain eighty pounds and that Sarah is in therapy.

Work Gary vs Retired Gary

That's the thing about being married. Who you marry is not who you get years later. Retired Gary is not Work Gary who is not Early Married Gary (who frankly I don't even remember).

Work Gary would come home, rant about work for forty-five minutes, then talk in his sleep about Transact and COBOL.
Retired Gary waits for me to come home at five and falls asleep while I tell him about my day.

Work Gary would go to a party and read me the riot act after if I didn't pay full attention only to him.
Retired Gary just went to a Halloween party and talked with strangers while I played Cards Against Humanity.

Work Gary did absolutely no housework or yardwork.
Retired Gary deals with dinner, shares grocery shopping, and will empty the trash out of guilt if he sees me doing yardwork.

Work Gary quietly mourned when politics didn't go his way.
Retired Gary is busy Facebooking For Democracy.

Strangely, I fight more with Retired Gary, but I think that's because he's around more to fight with. I certainly feel less lonely. (Less emotional support placed on your backs, Internet friends!)

Happily, Retired Gary has expressed no urge to return to Work. Whew.

In Which I Catch Up with Science

The nice thing about science is that it always changes, so there’s always something new to learn.

Health Sciences

I found out that my MS drug will not be going generic next year. (This is actually excellent news for me, because when it goes generic I get no special treatment for having been in the trial.)

”They got an extension,” the neurologist’s assistant said, “to see if it helps in pediatric MS.”

Kids have MS? Since when? Well, I guess since they’ve run kids through MRIs. They’ve diagnosed MS in kids as young as two now.

Grim.

Food Sciences

I suppose having Big Momma Monsanto in town puts Missouri ahead of the curve in food sciences. You know how Cheese = Cheese, but Cheez = Not Technically Cheese? Well, in Missouri we might start eating Meet, because lab-grown burgers can’t be labeled as Meat. But how awesome is it that they can grow meat in a lab? Is it .... cloned meat? That’s is so cool. Will they deliberately clone only the happy cows? Can vegans eat test-tube meat? Will they just swab a happy cow's gums and grow a burger from that?

So, if they can grow cow flesh, why can’t they grow people flesh? Then you’re just steps away from transplanting an unwanted fetus to an artificial uterus. (That you can then put on a hamburger bun and eat.)

And most important, when and where can I get some?

Glamour Skunk and Drama Squirrel

All summer long, all we got from the backyard video camera was morbidly obese raccoons grazing on nuts and dog food. And truly, most of them are in cow-grazing-posture, which annoys me because I know THEY know they're being filmed. Be a cute raccoon and eat with your hands LIKE I KNOW YOU CAN!

Then suddenly in the last month the video camera has caught two remarkable things. First, after three years of identical skunks, suddenly we were graced with ...

GlamourSkunk!

Seriously, check out this skunk with her peacock tail and the sassy white bands on her legs. I thought she might be a different breed, but no, evidently God just graced her with smoking hot skunk looks.

Then, there was the high drama of the ...

Suicidal Squirrel

I'm not embedding this one, because it's a snuff film. Well, almost. Any possible death occurs off camera, and it's possible he escaped. I doubt it, because he truly seemed bent on ending his life, balled up at the foot of the tree in the pitch dark at 9:30 pm, and then opting for Fight when Flight appeared to be going well.  

Here's the link, and it's up to you if you go there and if you listen to it (I have watched and listened to it about 35 times).

Election Day

5:00 a.m. - Gary woke up happy. It has been two years since I’ve seen him this optimistic. I got caught up in his enthusiasm and went along with his scheme go to the poll as soon as possible, which for us was:

5:50 a.m. - We were about 100th in line. I had to reprove him for “campaigning” at the polling place (he was killing time in line by trashing Trump). I had to point out the sign that says “NO POLITICAL MESSAGING OR ATTIRE IN THE VOTING PLACE.” He agreed to zip his hoodie over his RESIST T-shirt. 

6:10 a.m. - Gary again engaged another person in line in a political conversation and discovered she was very anti-Trump. He coyly unzipped his hoodie and exposed his RESIST T-shirt, just to her.

6:40 a.m. - We were done voting. Gary unzipped his hoodie entirely and we had breakfast out.

5:00 p.m. - At some point during the day, Gary realized his left big toe was numb. He had missed a dose of his B-12. We both agreed it was, in a way, good to know that the B-12 is doing what it should. The focus to get his B-12 drew his attention away from the election. In fact, he missed the first half hour of coverage because he was at the Walgreens getting his drug. Based on the last 24 months I would have bet he’d sacrifice his left big toe for a chance to watch democracy in action, but it looks like his priorities are in order.

10:00 p.m. - The evening was punctuated with shrieks for each Democratic senator who lost. For a few minutes I thought it was 2016 again - Gary was in utter despair. But, he was encouraged as the House flipped in the blue wave the blue flash flood. 

10:54 p.m. - Sigh. Claire McCaskill just conceded to Josh Hawley. So, no Senatorial checks and balances from Missouri, then. And my congresswoman will stay the same: she was not even knocked off balance by the gentle lapping of the blue ripple.

I ate grapes, KFC chicken strips, and diet popcorn. It’s a mixed bag, given the mixed results.

Fun Updates and Kathy Griffin

October was a busy month for fun. Parties and concerts and comedy.

Granted, Patton Oswalt cruelly bailed on the concert he was going to do in December. It's been rescheduled for next spring. Six months! Six months I have to not lose tickets! Six months to remember that I have a concert coming up! (Remember the Pixies?)

However, Guster stepped in and booked Delmar Hall. That will be the third concert I've seen there in a month. Rename it Demographic Hall and give me a brass plaque on my seat. (It's odd that Guster booked the tiny Delmar Hall when only a few years back they sold out the much larger Pageant next door.)

Kathy Griffin did not disappoint. I still remember her show at the Fox. Her show had more substance now that she's caught so much flack for a) ridiculing the president or b) threatening the president. Pick your term: I could go either way. I know the photo was just a joke, but if she can use that excuse to avoid an investigation, then so can an assassin. Or a mail bomber.

It was interesting how she orchestrated it to bounce between the harrowing photo fallout and her standard fare of tales of living next to Kanye West and wife Kim. Kim got more ridicule than Kanye. Are the mentally ill off limits now? Perhaps she has softened.

Anyone who turned on her when she was down got an extra helping of ridicule, including Anderson Cooper and hometown native Andy Cohen. (I rather imagine there was more in store for Andy Cohen that was edited out on the fly.)

It was very confessional, very interesting, and very one-sided (as one would expect). I have to say I want her lawyer if a President is ever bent on my destruction.

 

Again With the Curse of Oak Island

My TV nemesis returns later this month with The Curse of Oak Island.

(Narrator voice) Will Ellen continue watching this pointless show? Will she watch it live and waste an hour each week? Will she tape it and then fast forward through it to save time like a sensible person? Will she realize she is being hoodwinked after last year's classification of a garnet ring as "treasure" and just give up?

There’s no buried treasure. They’re digging up an old sinkhole. Everything can be explained by sinkholes and lies. Well, except for the coconut fiber, but perhaps coconuts floated up there after an epic hurricane.

Yet still I can't stop watching this show.