Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Gary Wig

In the spirit of Casual Friday, I have taken to wearing my least professional wig once a week. On Fridays, I swap out Sexytown for this wig:

This wig is the closest to the hair of my youth, below.

Like my original pube-like cloud of head-hair, but twice as much of it.

So, Gary sleeps all day on Fridays, so when I emerged from my room wearing the Casual Friday  wig he laughed in my face, and said, "You look ridiculous." When asked why, he said: too much hair.

I just went and got a giant hair clip and clamped it back. Still too much hair, but only noticeable in profile, but Gary grumbled it was conventional enough to go to the pharmacy and get our vaccines. 

Saturday I was back to the workhorse daily wig, Sexytown, not the big pile of nylon that makes me look like a country-western singer, and Gary had the nerve to complain.

"Where's your new hair? I thought you'd be wearing your big new hair. I really liked that look." 

"You laughed at me. You laughed directly in my face. 'Ridiculous', you said."

"No! I loved it!"

"I quote, 'Ri-dic-u-lous.'"

So, too bad for him. He will have to wait till Friday if he wants to see me in all my pube-headed splendor.

TWIL: How I Have Failed at Work for a Decade

This "transparency" thing is taking over at work and people are being really frank.

A long-time co-worker shared with me that when she started she had been warned to never ask me questions.

I confess, I would often hear new workers asking other people questions when I was right there. Me. Me, the expert. Or Me, their mentor. "Why aren't they coming to me? I know the answer. I love one-on-one training. I love teaching. Am I intimidating or something?"

I was surprised to hear from my co-worker that the word went out among new employees that if anyone asked me a quiet question in an email about, say, "How do I make a pivot-table in Excel," I would march to that person's desk and say loudly, "DON'T WORRY I WILL BE GLAD TO SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE A PIVOT-TABLE IN EXCEL," and everyone would know of their ignorance.

While I am delighted this co-worker told me this "funny" story,  I am also dismayed to learn I have had this reputation for years. Really dismayed.

Also, I cannot WAIT until the next time this particular co-worker asks me anything. "OH YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT TEMPLATE IS LET ME GET EVERYONE ON  A TEAMS CALL AND WE CAN ALL HELP YOU."

Review: White House Plumbers

I am conflicted about White House Plumbers. Yes, I enjoyed it immensely. Should I have? It was a little problematic.

It is terrifying to think that the government could be taken down by male frailty, but that's the premise of the show. Liddy and Hunt are overgrown adolescents driven by vanity, so starved for praise at work they concoct the scheme to bug the DNC. They try again and again out of self-delusion and arrogance until they get caught. 

At some point I wondered, "What would I think if the genders were reversed and these characters were women reduced to caricatures, satirized?" Nope. Would not like, would not recommend. 

Perhaps this past summer's libido nonsense has made me more sympathetic to men. Dunno. And maybe there's a little discomfort with mining the long national nightmare for comedy, like with The Producers. But how can fifty years can be "Too Soon"?

Oh, if you do watch it (HBO), be sure to read the end cards that flip by on the last two episodes.

Woman Cave

Yesterday I was talking with Gary about my anatomy. Specifically, my female anatomy. Yes it's another post about my pelvic floor, which is still rattling away, and yesterday it was particularly active.

I didn't even get a chance to tell him what I wanted, which was a little digital spelunking, just so he could tell me if what I sensed had any bearing on what was physically happening. None of that happened because he felt he had to argue with me about my vagina. To mansplain my anatomy to me. Without actually touching me, mind you. Just telling me from memory. 

"It's like there's the bone, then you go around the bend and it's like there's a covered area --" He arched his hand to show the covered area. 

"So that's the pelvic floor, then," I said. 

"No, there's no floor. It's just on one side, like a wall and a ceiling but no floor. " 

"But that has to be either the outer or inner set of muscles -- "

"No, listen to me. You have no idea what you're talking about. I've been in there -- " 

And as you can imagine, the conversation stopped there. 

So I was off to find a chart so we could have a civil conversation about my parts. 

And I am sure you are saying, Ellen, do you not have fingers? Yes, I do, but they are short and stubby, and there is also a chubby layer of cushion in the way, and the idea of pawing at my interior is a little gross, and it's a little like looking at a map when your sense of direction doesn't match up with what you see. And also I wanted him up in there. 

(I was fascinated to see there are shiny metal screws holding me together.)

At first I found myself really wanting a rotating 3~D image, because that image above doesn't show the gap I know I have between the lower muscles and the pelvic floor. And it looks like a child's pelvis: that person's hand could span from hipbone to hipbone. 

And then I realized what I really, really want is an illuminated go-pro I could snake up in there. Or else a video of what it would look like in there, like a Curse of Oak Island video. Or like a colonoscopy video. 

So I looked up vaginoscopy, and it's a real thing, and now I am even more confused. And it's done often on dogs and children, not full grown women. And when it is it is not a guided tour like you would have in Meremac Caverns. "Here is the Mirror Room, now we'll pass through the Pelvic Floor and enter the Wine Room," etc. 

Then a visit to Amazon for a look at plastic pelvic models, and it appears that is what I was looking at above. None of those things gave me any clarity. My parts don't feel like what I see there.

Also, this all took too long and Gary fell asleep anyway. It all made me long for first days in puberty when I crouched over the mirror in my bedroom. So simple then. 

Weekly Paint Progress: 9/28

This week Basic Shapes went from this:

... to this.

Competing Trials

From the urologist: "We are currently recruiting patients for a clinical research study involving the implantation of a small neurotransmitter device to treat urge urinary incontinence."

It sounds like the nerves leading to your bladder just get a boost, so it would be helpful for neurogenic bladder like mine, where the issue is nerve conduction. I don't know why it's a clinical trial: that article is two years old.

I think there is a rule that you can't be in two clinical trials at once. Otherwise, I would be all over this one.

Review: In Flight

New Barenaked Ladies Album! You know I'm all about the lyrics. Here are my favorite lyrics from each song. 

Lovin' Life
On the best of days there'll be joy and pain

One Night
You're right in front of me, I got a melody / If you got a malady, I got the remedy

Enough Time
Time makes the lemons lose their zest

What Do We Need?
Over and over and over again / I leave my family to be with my friends
Older, I'm older, I'm older again / I love it more than anything, but please make it end

Just Wait
I won't scramble my words, not this time

Waning Moon
The mistake you made was /Having seen the breakthrough that would take you

Fifty for a While
I get the drift if it's real loud

Too Old
It's just a little white lie from a little white guy

See the Tower
It's a Jagged Pill to swallow whole

Wake Up
You hold it down when I'm not around

Clearly Lost
It hadn't knocked my head clean off, but I was sure concussed

The Dream Hotel
And they've built a giant wall of pancakes in the park

I Am Asking You To
No one as loved as you are should not feel loved enough

The Peace Lady
Though I remember the cheer girl and the bike thief man / I vote for the peace lady whenever I can

I think after a few listens that Fifty for a While, Too Old, and I Am Asking You To will be my favorites, given they are about being old or your relationship growing old.

By the Numbers

I did the math last night. I've been in love with Gary 41 years. He has said "I love you" almost  every one of those days, even on most of the days we've fought. Even if you take off the six months we were on the outs, that's still over fourteen thousand times (14,785). 

Mom didn't start saying "I love you," until I was in college. I don't remember Jerry saying it, and my stepdad certainly never did. 

But Gary's so swamped me in an avalanche of "I love yous" that if anyone else were to ever say it,  I couldn't hear it from underneath the avalanche. Much less feel it. Much less to begin a new life and a new count starting at one.

TWIL: Clinical Trials Move Fast

I went in for a quick blood draw for the clinical trial and found they switched things up. Before, the real drug was the new formulation of Evusheld, and the placebo was the old-school Evusheld (the one useless against omicron), so they could show the increase in effectiveness. 

Evidently the government got involved and changed up the rules. It's now a cage match between  the new drug and salt water, at least for me. 

It doesn't matter anyway, because I know that just the act of taking even a placebo is beneficial, so just knowing you got salt water skews the results somewhat. 

I suppose this is the change in pace you get when you are battling a mutating virus.

Anxiety: Warning Signs

TeddyJ sent out a test blast of their cell phone text alert system. The only time in fifteen years that I have seen this system used was to tell us the work lockdown had begun. 

On October 4th, the government is testing their wireless alert system as well. 

And wastewater shows the new ultra-mutated Covid is in ten states.

And then, during the latest visit for the clinical trial, I heard -- again -- that my respiratory rate is too high. The phone's been complaining about that since this past summer. This is the first time a human noticed. I was advised to exercise and breathe more slowly. Inhale, hold it, exhale, hold it. Four seconds each. 

But what came first? The anxiety? The rapid breathing? The rapid breathing that will increase my chances of catching Covid? 

I need a reset. 

Off My Feed

KC noted that Feedly isn't working (and, thank you, KC).

In my research I discovered that RSS Feed readers are outdated now. Who knew. Supposedly  everyone wants emails instead. I doubt this. I seriously doubt this. No one wants an email about my pelvic floor and my ensuing incontinence that may eventually require botox. No one would want an email about even one of those three things.

Anyway, I still followed the Typepad recommendation and signed up with Feedblitz as well, because they do RSS Feeds like we did back in the day, but you can do emails as well.

And then Typepad responded to my query with:

"We are currently experiencing an issue with feeds not being reachable by outside services, including feed readers like Feedly. Even if you don't use FeedBlitz, the feed should still update in Feedly if everything is working correctly. However, it is not. As soon as we are able to resolve the issue, you will start seeing the latest posts in Feedly."

(I really like the "However, it is not." Style points for that, whatever AI wrote this response.)

Until things are fixed, my 20 Feedly users, come here directly. (That is, if you like. You aren't missing much lately). 

Weekly Paint Progress: 9/21

This week the Basic Shapes went from this:

... to this.

Urologist

After three months of the oxybutynin, I give it a C minus. When I rely on it to give me total relief, it works quite well 50% of the time, while at the same time it only lets me digest the first 50% of lunch or dinner. I told the doctor I wanted to keep experimenting with it for a few more months.

I don't know if he expected that. When I went in the exam room a flexible bladder botox needle was waiting for me, as long as my shin, which alarmed me, until I noticed the label said it was adjustable. 

I know the bladder botox is the standard treatment for a neurogenic bladder, but the side effects are:

• Up to two days of "period cramps." 
• UTI symptoms. 

I could take the UTI, but TWO DAYS OF CRAMPS? What a nightmare.The needle could be six feet long and I would still be more afraid of the cramps.

I need to think about this some more. 

Breaking Bear News

I was going to report on the urologist, but then A BEAR WENT TO DISNEYWORLD.

She climbed a tree right in the middle. Searching for food. How are there no photos? I want to see the bear in the tree snacking on a Mickey Waffle of some other expensive WDW food. 

Area Code

Did you know there’s a 666 area code? Text messages for the clinical trial use that area code. 

How should I add them to my contacts?

• Satan
• The Beast
• AntiChrist