Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Shatner in Space

I have been through all the videos purporting to show Shatner in Space. 

Pressing nose to window? Check.

Being moved by the vulnerability of life? Check.

Experiencing weightlessness? Not so much.

He does not float. (Also, therefore, he is not a witch.)

I mean, I know he's ninety and not as agile and lightweight as the other passengers, but I'd  think one of the young folks could have stopped doing backflips to spot Captain Kirk, maybe. Pass him around over their heads maybe. 

Weekly Paint Progress: 10/14

This week the Buffalo went from this:

… to this:

He’s loose! I like him. He needs to be a little darker behind his armpit again.

Rewriting the Novel: Zeno’s Paradox

I would tell you that I am 75% done with the book calculated by word count, but it seems every time I write nowadays I end up with fewer words. It’s not because I’m editing, either. It’s like the Missing Dollar riddle.

The fun parts are in first draft form, but I have almost nothing written for the middle or the bit directly after, because that is the dark night of the soul and unpleasant. 

I should not care so much about how close I am to the end of the first draft, but now that I’ve plotted out the ending, it feels like the end is in sight. Yet I’m dragging my feet. I don’t know why: I’m going to enjoy writing the end, now that I know exactly what it’s going to be. But I think this is like painting. I love the finishing touches but by then I am so sick of it I ignore some last needed bits — that extra depth on the sundials, or the cast shadows on everything. 

I could just put it away, but things make sense now. The puzzle pieces are falling into place. I think I’m at the part of the painting when I like it, and I fear the next brushstroke will make it all go wrong. And that makes no sense - you can re-paint an oil painting, you can rewrite a book — in fact, you’re supposed to rewrite a book.

It’s been a week since I sorted out the ending. I should be having fun. Why isn’t this fun?

New Manners

There have been some surprising social events mentioned recently by The Young Folks at Work. I was familiar with destination weddings and promposals, but the three below were new to me.

Bachelor party weekends - back in my day, men of the bridal party drank and drove to various strip joints and then recovered in time for the rehearsal dinner the next day. Evidently at some point people realized this was a bad idea and now the men hole up in a big house for a solid weekend a month before the wedding. They drink, but sober up for the drive back. I approve this change.

Diaper parties - back in my day, women had to suffer through dreadful baby showers. Now, the men have to endure baby showers too, only they report there is no acknowledgment of the impending baby, talk of baby, advice about baby, just beer and possibly football, and a package of diapers dropped off at the door. You know, just focusing on the crap part of the baby. Sounds just as awful as the distaff version. I do not approve.

Baby sprinkles - back in my day, my mother was the only person I knew who knew you don’t give a baby shower for a second baby. All second babies of my acquaintance got baby showers. Evidently, enough Moms told enough daughters and the daughters rebranded the Second Baby Shower as a Baby Sprinkle. The presents are limited so there won’t be duplicates of the original baby shower.  If that means the only presents are diapers, in that case I approve, but then how is this not a Diaper Party? Is it the gender of the invitees? I don’t know the nuances of this.

Baseball

Well, last week the Cardinals were on the cusp of the playoffs, and then, ex-Cardinal Albert Pujols came up to bat as a pinch hitter in the bottom of the ninth inning, and everything fell apart.

You will notice I blame Pujols, not the unfortunate Cardinals pitcher swapped in moments earlier, who then almost immediately threw a walk-off home run to the Dodgers. You can watch it below.

So sure, we lost. But we lost with drama. The king can’t die from colitis, he has to die with his boots on, or assassinated, or gloriously usurped. This finish was so much better than if they’d been ahead of us by one run for five innings and then time ran out.

A friend had an even better attitude, he said “The Streak was my series.” I like that, the World Series is only seven games and The Streak was what, 17? Much better than a Series. 

 

 

Coricidin

Months ago:

Gary: “My nose is stuffed up. I need some Co-RICE-uh-din.”

Me: “You need what?”

Gary: (louder) “CO-RICE-UH-DIN.”

Me: “Well then buy some?”

Last Week:

Gary: “We need to buy more Co-RICE-uh-din. We are almost out.”

Me: “Show me.”

Even after I showed him numerous commercials in which it is pronounced “co-ruh-CEE-din,” he will not budge.

Admittedly, my family bought many containers of “par-MEE-zhun” cheese, but I eventually got it straightened out.

Britney vs Her Father

Big news last week was that Britney Spears is “free” from the conservatorship her father controls.

People are compassionate. They empathize with Britney. They know how they’d feel in her situation. I empathize with her father. At least, I can see what’s motivating him. 

Let’s re-cast this. Let’s say it’s Bill Gates, drop-out, fresh out of his garage holding a floppy with MS-DOS, and he’s earned scads of money from his talent. Then he becomes seriously, self-admittedly, bipolar. (Symptom one: spending 30 million dollars to build a state-of-the 1990s-era mansion.)

Pretend that Bill’s parents become concerned because their son’s doing all the Bipolar Type 1 things: spending money recklessly, being paranoid, and especially, having random sex.

The random sex is a concern because, I swear, the Tinder scam artists target mentally ill people. “I can’t wait for our date” followed by, “I was on my way over and this police officer has arrested me for no reason and wants five grand to let me go, can you PayPal me?” 

Wouldn’t they need to look at Bill’s texts? Especially the ones that say, “Stop listening to your parents, marry me and I’ll make you happy. No pre-nup, though.” 

Someday I will have to turn off CNN when they are shocked to report Britney is penniless and in the hospital because she got in a fist fight with some random paramour whom she claims is a spy from Mars, and there was no conservatorship to save her from herself. They’ll probably say that the new situation is her father’s fault too. 

Speaking of fathers, I empathize with Britney’s kids, too. Being raised by someone more emotionally unstable than you are — when you are six — is not healthy. Britney is unhappy because she can’t be with her kids whenever she pleases. I’m glad she isn’t frustrated enough to cut off all contact in that situation, like Jerry did. Like mentally ill people do, sometimes.

Untreated mental illness jacks with your family enough without having media outlets come in and play one side over the other. 

I understand she’s still got someone providing some kind of conservatorship. I honestly hope someone is vetting her friends.

Esteem

I think it speaks well my my former boyfriends that each year I go through the list of MacArthur genius grant recipients looking for their names.  

I never find them, but I still look.

Weekly Paint Progress: 10/7

This week the Buffalo went from  this:

… to this:

It Made Sense at the Time

I had a toothache (technically a gum-ache) and I could not find our OraJel or Anbesol.  No tooth pain goo anywhere.

But I did find this:

We use Neosporin anti-bacterial gel all the time, especially because it has a little pain-relief additive in there.

So it was quite sensible to apply it to my upper and lower gum. It was effective and I was so pleased with myself I told Gary the next day.

”POISON’ he screamed.

”Oh don’t be so dramatic. It’s not POISON.”

He waved the tube in my face.

Oh, damn. It IS poison.

I explained I couldn’t find the other tooth goos, and Gary opened the drawer I had upended already, and plucked out both tooth goos.

So I won’t be doing that again.

Alexa Shopping

Earlier this month when I checked the Alexa shopping list, I found this request:

I laughed, and mentioned it on Facebook. Someone speculated I had said, “Alexa, add [something] syrup to the shopping list.” I haven’t wanted any syrup. I kept it in case I remembered later.

That was last week. This week I saw this:

I have no idea.

Lupoid Sclerosis

My brother spent a stint in the hospital recently, for a stent. He came out without a stent but a tube connecting his liver to a bile drain tube outside of his body.

My job was to read his diagnostic tests off the hospital web site and report back to him the state of his bilirubin and other liver numbers.

One of the tests they ordered was for aPTT, the time it takes for his blood to clot. (45 seconds, if you are wondering, which is a bit long, she typed, entirely violating her brother’s HIPPA rights.)

I followed a Google trail of family buzzwords, from “inherited” to “auto immune” to “lupus” to “lupoid sclerosis.” And then, to “rare” and “controversial” and “debate.”

Interesting, though, that there’s a supposed Lupoid variant of MS in which (if I understand correctly) your slippery non-clotting blood approaches the blood-brain-barrier, sneaks in, and then does a lupus-like attack on your central nervous system. And then, for just an extra touch of soap-opera drama, it gives you a false positive on your syphilis test. 

Can I find any of this today? No, I cannot, at least not in the straightforward form I saw it last week. Still, nice to know that they are out there continuing to research MS, finding new hybrid forms and the like.

My brother is home now. His dog dealt with his absence by chewing up shower curtains. I am worried the dog will feel the the bile drain will have the same mouth-feel as the shower curtain.

The Vatican Top 45

The IMDb for The Lavender Hill Mob sent me to this most Eminent List, the High Holy List of the Vatican’s Most-Favored movies. 

The Vatican’s List of Top 45 Films is divided into three categories: Religion, Values, and Art.

RELIGION

• Andrei Rublev (1966)  … never heard of it in my state of sin 
• Babette's Feast (1987) … have heard of it, wanted to see it, never did. Sin of omission.
• Ben-Hur (1959) … overly loooooong. Good chariot race.
• The Flowers of St. Francis (1950) … never heard of it, cult film I suppose
• Francesco (1989)… never heard of it, must be Italian
• The Gospel According to St. Matthew (1966) … never heard of it, read the book
• La Passion de Notre Seigneur Jesus-Christ (1905) … never heard of it, French
• A Man for All Seasons (1966) … love this movie! Well, loved the play. Haven’t actually seen it.
• The Mission (1986) … the trailer for this scared me off in the 1980s.
• Monsieur Vincent (1947) … really no idea. Supposedly features the Black Death.
• Nazarin (1958) … never heard of it, but it’s a Vatican-approved satire? Intriguing.
• Ordet (1955) … this is not even a word.
• The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) … I think I’ve seen clips.
• The Sacrifice (1986) … another 1986 movie. Pope was up for the movies this year.
• Therese (1986) … that’s three movies from 1986. Was the Pope dating?

VALUES

• Au Revoir les Enfants (1988) … French!
• Bicycle Thieves (1949) … is this the sequel to The Bicycle Thief? Oh! It’s the same movie. Odd. 
• The Burmese Harp (1956) … Burmese!
• Chariots of Fire (1981) … I did see this, with, Mom, just out of high school.
• Dekalog (1988) … also not a word
• Dersu Uzala (1975) … a space alien word
• Gandhi (1982) … tried twice to watch this and gave up after an hour each time
• Intolerance (1916) … okay, I liked this one.
• It's a Wonderful Life (1946) … okay, everyone likes this one, except Mom, who could never make it past the scene with the lost money.
• On the Waterfront (1954) … another one I’ve given up on halfway through. Clearly the Pope is more patient than I. This makes sense.
• Rome, Open City (1945) … hometown favorite for the Pope.
• Schindler's List (1993) … you bet I liked it. Pope and I give it two thumbs up.
• The Seventh Seal (1957) … another Black Death movie.
• The Tree of Wooden Clogs (1978) … never heard of this either.
• Wild Strawberries (1957) … I think I had a perfume in junior high named Wild Strawberries.

ART

• Citizen Kane (1941) … what? Charles Foster Kane has an affair for half the movie. I guess that’s why this is in the Art category and not the Values category.
• 8½ (1963) … I confused this with 9 1/2 Weeks at first. Still, this is a Fellini movie. Unexpected.
• Fantasia (1940) … Sorcerer’s Apprentices! Film of the Devil!
• Grand Illusion (1937) … I begin to realize I have seen very few of these movies. I do not have the same taste as the pope.
• La Strada (1954) … another Fellini movie. Still unexpected.
• The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) … good choice, still a little fluffy for the Pope’s list.
• The Leopard (1963) … lukewarm reception in the US and prize-winning everywhere else. I never heard of this either. I live in a tighter bubble than the Pope.
• Little Women (1933) … is this the one with Katherine Hepburn as Jo? Good choice.
• Metropolis (1927) … I’ve seen the sexy outfit the robot woman wears. Surprising.
• Modern Times (1936) … I concur. We all love the Little Tramp.
• Napoleon (1927) … I wonder if this was before or after the big restoration of the movie.
• Nosferatu (1922) … what the hell. What. The. Hell.
• Stagecoach (1939) … should have watched it, no excuse.
• 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) … HATED it.
• The Wizard of Oz (1939) … the Pope sees your sorcerers and raises three witches! 

I should stop ragging on the pope, he may well have had his PR cardinal make this list. Still 45 movies and I’ve seen 11. Very low percentage. I am a bad Catholic. I need to watch 8 1/2 as penance.

Reviews: Lavender Hill Mob / M

The Lavender Hill Mob. Last week I watched the The Lavender Hill Mob, which I have often refused to see, thinking it was The Ladykillers, because I have only one neuron available for Alec Guinness movies beginning with L.

I didn’t guffaw all the way through, but I laughed often. The characters are very appealing, there is a ferry-catching scene any traveller will appreciate, and a young Audrey Hepburn has one line. The IMDB entry says the Bank of England helped to plot out the heist, which might explain why there is a giant plot hole around how the mob is caught. 

Now I need to watch The Man in the White Suit and Kind Hearts and Coronets, though I will have to watch that last one alone. (Gary cringes at men in drag.) 

Then, last night, we watched M. Wow. I’ve read about this movie but never seen it. Really remarkable direction for such an early movie. You’ll forget it’s from the 30’s, especially when you see the subject matter. About as far fro The Lavender Hill Mob as you can get.