I have assembled every bit of paperwork I need for this Manhattan project settlement. I just have to decide if I want to file via US registered mail or by the on-line portal.

I think most people are choosing the course that will get them the quickest cash turnaround, but I don’t think I need that. If I thought that way I’d feel like I was cashing in on my father’s death.

And of course that is what I’m doing though, isn’t it?

For years I deliberately didn’t give a thought to my appearance, and now that I’m aging I’m straightening my teeth and playing with fake eyelashes and losing weight. Because, as I say, I can’t be plain and then be old on top of it. That exceeds my acceptable level of hideousness. (Youthful acceptable level of hideousness immediately below.)

(Though it is evident I did crop out my double chin. So vain!)

Because I bought fake, inappropriately heavy eyelashes, the algorithm has determined I am a drag queen who really really cares about eyelashes and now it has shown me all the ridiculous advances in lash technology since I last shopped for makeup in … 2018, I think.

DID YOU KNOW they have really doubled down on eyelash curling technology? Some are even heated to really set the curl. Look at that first one with a readout for HOW HOT YOU WANT YOUR EYELASHES.

Or, as someone pointed out, you can just turn your blow dryer on your old school metal clamp curler for a few minutes.

So yesterday I went out looking for new technology and returned with eyebrow gel and pricey wattle tightening cream. (Which of course I shall apply to only the right side of my wattle for the next six weeks so the left wattle can be the control. Science.)

It’s been four years of wigs now, and really, the wigs are working out for me. Granted, it gets a bit dull during the week, same hair every day no matter the weather, but on the weekends I make a point of exercising the wigs that have been sitting idle. The neighbors see me gardening in a variety of wigs every Saturday and Sunday, especially if the temperature changes.

Because age thinned my eyelashes as well, I thought I’d try fake eyelashes again. I’ve tried them over and over through my life, but they seemed impossible to apply.

Then Facebook seemed intent that I try these cluster lashes, where you apply the lashes in sections. It was futile for the first twenty minutes but then after I made all the mistakes it was a snap.

I mean, it looked utterly inappropriate for my age, sure, but there are many styles and weights, just like with wigs. I promptly ordered some designed for an Asian baby: virtually no density or volume.

I still had the first test pair on and read they will last — even if you sleep in them — for up to two weeks.

No. Not if you sleep on your side.

The left side is fine, but at some point in the night I evidently put my entire body weight on my right eye and smashed the lashes into that erect and upright position. Also, somewhere in my bedding is 2/4ths of that inner eyelash. If you look closely you’ll see the outer quarter is barely hanging on there.

So, that was a failed experiment. I have probably aged out of fake lashes anyway, but still, I hold out great hope for the low-density Asian baby set that’s coming in the mail. They might make me look a bit less like a lizard for the few hours I’m out during opera season. But who knows. My neighbors might see me in full drag queen kit out in the garden.