My great grandmother was the first person killed by an automobile in Marion Ohio. And so it began: technology tasted blood, and our blood was the tastiest.
Technology has not killed me, but I think I am the first person ... well, on my block at least ... to develop a remote-controlled bladder infection.
And, yes, I got this bladder infection the same way I get all my bladder infections: something inside my vagina aggravating the fetid puddle of pee that pools in the bottom of my bladder.
As you have surmised, Gary bought "us" a remote-controlled app-driven vibrator. (This one right here,) It combines his love of his iPad with his love for me, and his need to give me bladder infections - even without laying a finger on me, this time. (He just used his finger to control the device by scribbling on the iPad. The power!)
Come to think of it, he didn't touch me OR even look at me, since he was invested in the software. His nerdiness excites me. Since the narrow pink antenna visibly ... protrudes, I came over and slapped him in the face with the antenna a few times.
This how it shall be in my future. No touching, no looking? No problem.
By the way, I know, I know, similar devices are sending private usage information back to their motherships and plotting with the microwave. And of course, if anyone tried to "hi-jack" it they'd have to do it while it was turned on and Gary and I were using it. We'd just write it off to Roomba wireless interference or the Tivo or any other wiretapping device we have. Actually, given our computer backgrounds we'd have more fun debugging it.
Edited to add: I got out of bed later and found Hal the skeleton greeting me.
Edited to add: Mr. Skeleton (Not Safe for Work) got more sweet words than I got.