Well, I was going to delay any therapy until I spoke with the neurologist, but an epic fight yesterday clarified what I've been so upset about since last August:
I miss my Mom.
I miss my Dad, too. Frankly, I miss anyone who is isn't emotional, because I look at all family members, blood and in-laws, and I don't see anyone who is calm. I see emotional people stretching to the horizon.
I don't know who all those people go to when they want to be calmed down. Me? I know my brother comes to me when he needs me to "talk him off the ledge." I shudder to think what would happen if I cried to Dave.
Of course Gary can spend hours ranting to me, but I find that when I rant to Gary, he yells louder and we end up in a fight. And, given yesterday's fight, even if I explicitly say, "I'm feeling weepy, don't get upset" ... well that's just the type of thing that fantasy couples say after they've taken marriage counseling. You know. Those imaginary conversations when people say, "I hear you saying [fill in the blank]. Is that how you feel?" They probably end up in epic fights too.
I know Mom died eight years ago, but I think I haven't needed her to talk me off any ledges, probably because i was on the Great Celexa Mesa. And now that I might be (MIGHT BE) selling her house, it's stirring up all the emotions. Or, there's a wedding that stirs up all the emotions. Or any holiday. Since I don't have any calm family, there's no one to go to with my problems. Only people who would then just counter with their own, louder problems.
I could go to Mom-in-my-head. Mom? "Whine, whine, whine. Listen to yourself!" she says.