Gary says I have developed a new type of snore. Not the restful "sawing wood" snore he can fall asleep to, but a syncopated snorffling noise that keeps him awake. He needs his sleep. To that end, he has sealed my mouth shut with a Band-Aid.
His mouth is taped shut too, but that's because the air hits his teeth and it hurts him. The pain keeps him awake, and then there's my snorffling noise on top of that, and he's a wreck.
So we were both in bed with our mouths taped up (kinky) and the dog started to noisily lick his paws. I wanted to say, "Mac, stop that or Dad will put a Band-Aid over your mouth," but I was taped up. You know the laugh that comes out when you have to suppress a funny thing in your head? The one that hits you at funerals and business meetings? I shook with laughter for five minutes. If I could have said it aloud I wouldn't have even smirked.
Eventually the dog stopped licking his paw, Gary fell asleep, and the dog fell asleep. And snored. And then snorffled. Gary woke up and poked me in the back. This was too much. I pulled off the Band-Aid.
"It's not me, it's the dog. He's the one making the noise."
Gary said, "MMMFFmmf mmf mmmmmf."
"Listen. It's the dog."
"MMMMFFMMF MMMMMFF MFF."
So now I've been exiled to sleep in the guest room.
Oh dear. And Gary was doing so well for awhile...
Posted by: Becs | September 06, 2012 at 04:17 AM
We're supposed to laugh at this, right? It's okay to laugh at this? Now I'm going to be shaking the bed tonight thinking about this and my husband will kick me out - well no he won't, if someone leaves it's always him. Bastard can sleep anywhere.
Posted by: allison | September 06, 2012 at 07:42 PM
I, too, hope it was okay to laugh, 'cause I'm in tears. This hits way too close to home - both the getting the giggles at inappropriate times, and being blamed for the dog noises. I fear I am not long for the master bedroom either...and now it will be for shaking the bed when the dog grunts in her sleep...
Posted by: Mare | September 06, 2012 at 08:11 PM
Oh, gee. And believe me all this doesn't get easier with age.
Posted by: Hattie | September 07, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Becs - It worries me, though, when he isn't feisty. All is wrong with the world.
Allison - You are so lucky! Gary's a dainty princess. He became allergic to the bed in Paris. I am terrifed about this new mattress.
Mare - I would be blamed for the dog gases as well, only the dog does it quietly...
Hattie - I bet mine will. Gary's going to go deaf.
Posted by: TheQueen | September 08, 2012 at 12:08 AM
Y'know, if - heaven forfend - you and Gary both snuffed it during the night and were discovered later stiff and cold with the Bandaids over your mouths, it would spark a media panic and police inquiry that would never end. Books, movie, TV doco - it would become an INDUSTRY.
Posted by: Big Dot | September 08, 2012 at 07:24 PM
Big Dot - Unexplained Mysteries: The Band-Aid Killings. Murder? Suicide? Murder-Suicide?
Posted by: TheQueen | September 09, 2012 at 02:05 PM