Thanks to Rachel from the cruise, I get to go talk about my health on a panel on my birthday. I will not monopolize the panel, I will not monopolize the panel. I do like talking about my health.
Old people talk about health all the time. I'd like to think it's because we they we theywe want to educate our peers (and the young'uns) so they know what to do when it happens to them, and it will. Stock up on Poise pads now,children.
So, now I'd like to tell you how to cure your cough.
My cough began last summer - only it wasn't a cough so much as a choke followed by a violent eruption of all body fluids. I'd be sitting there, usually drinking but sometimes just sitting, and then I felt like fluid bubbled up from my lungs and I choked on it.
This led to the urine tests and hiatal hernia and the vaginal massages starting in September, and while I have (*kegels*) improved control down there (*kegels*), at odd times I'd still choke. Not every month, like I did last summer, but perhaps once ever three months. I wrote that off as the hiatal hernia, and I imagined I could feel my hernia sliding past my diaphragm and that's what caused it.
Time for a Mystery Diagnosis expressive eye close!
Over the winter, I developed a cough. In the spring it turned into a cough that would turn into vomiting. Last month it turned into a daily cough that would show up between four and four-thirty, and all I had to do was go in to the bathroom and cough till I puked. Then I was fine untll the next day at four.
A few weeks of that and I was back on Google, and I found that people with acid reflux will cough until they vomit. Of course, that makes sense, all that acid bubbling up .. from your stomach? Not your lungs? I suppose that could be. One would think I'd have heartburn, though, which I do not. Still, I made a mental note to avoid caffeine, acidic foods, and alcohol.
The next day, people on Facebook raved about Sweet Tea vodka with lemonade. By then I'd wadded up my mental note. What harm could there be in Sweet Tea (caffiene) with vodka (alcohol) and lemonade (acid)?
So I bought a bottle and I poured a small glass of Sweet tea. I didn't realize it was actually large glass of vodka. I threw in some ice cubes made of lemon juice (ala ~~Silk) and took a gulp. A gulp of sweet tea VODKA. When I could breathe again I diluted it, and I let it sit on the counter to think about what it had done.
Half an hour later I choked into a spontanous gyser of pee and vomit. Well! That diagnosis was confirmed. I must have acid reflux minus the vital heartburn symptom.
I went right out and bought a two-week Prilosec OTC pack. That was two weeks ago. After about a week the four p.m. puking was over, I can sleep without sitting up, and my cough, when it happens, is back to the piteous kitten hack I had two years ago.
Of course, now that I know what to look for, there are resources all over the internet spelling out just what my problem has been. The pamphlet that came with the 14 day pack recommended I not rely on it more than three or four times a year. If it comes back I'll pay a visit to the doctor.
And yes, I am ignoring the suggestion that chocolate can be a trigger. Life can not be that cruel.