[Feed Readers - if you can't see the jump and are faint of heart, look away. If you want to see me at my stupidest, continue.]
So. I'm still not done freaking over the hideous Varicose Veins on mah Vulva. (You'd be freaked too. Do not judge until you have walked a mile in my underwear.)
At the time they arose the veins were so horrible they were kind of funny. I called Gary with the news and oh, how we laughed. Now in retrospect it seems less funny. Maybe if there was some new unreal development, like spontaneous uterine prolapse, maybe then it could make me smile at its hideousness. (Uterine prolapse. If my granny panties suddenly filled up with my entire reproductive system I would almost certainly laugh out loud.) Happily, they went back to normal on their own.
Since then, a few months ago my neurologist asked, "And have you had any reproductive system problems?" I let him know that I had been visited by The Vulvar Varices. The Purple Plague. "Oh yes," he said casually, "That can happen with congestion." He nodded. I nodded.
I nodded because I know all about congestion. I have a yearly sinus infection. If your sinus cavity can be congested, why not your vaginal cavity? I remember that a friend who was trying to get pregnant told me Robutussin "makes your 'mucus' ... you know, down there ... more runny, so the sperm can swim more easily." Besides, I'm of the age one begins to to dry up a bit, so I could picture having a stuffy vagina instead of a freely-flowing vagina.
So of course, last week when my vagina again began exhibiting early symptoms (hair loss, bleeding), I thought, "Oh, this is because of my congested vagina," and in a stroke of genius, GENIUS, I tried a decongestant. I knew it would loosen everything up head to toe just like antihistamines dry everything up. I'm not stupid, and of course, in a few hours all the symptoms cleared up and I was healed. La la la. Really. Genius.
So then I started thinking, maybe I should just take decongestants on a regular basis as a preventative measure. Then I worried that I would end up with the vaginal version of a runny nose and I'd have to keep dabbing at my privates with a hankie, because your vagina can't sniff or sneeze, no matter how many Kegels you do. Perhaps a Neti Pot to keep things from getting congested down there? What if I used Vicks Vap-o-Rub in place of lube?
And then today, because I am such a divergent thinker, I thought, hey, maybe I should double-check and see exactly what the doctor meant when he said "congestion." Turns out there's a whole Pelvic Congestion Syndrome which has nothing to do with mucus but everything to do with varicose vulvar veins. Other fluids can get congested, like, the ones that flow through the bloodstream. The veins get congested because there is too much bloodflow and not enough bandwidth. So, essentially the blood is moving down there and not making it back UP TO MY BRAIN OBVIOUSLY.
So, damn, decongestants are not the answer. I'll keep working on the cure for Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. I will let you know.