As I understand it, the first version of the consent form for this clinical trial said "I will not have babies." (Sign here.) The next version was more specific.
The version after that says, "If you are a woman who can have children...you should use 2 forms of effective contraception simultaneously." Ugh, I thought. I'm on the Pill. Pill and condoms? Have they improved condoms since my fifth anniversary? That's the first and last time I used one, when I was on antibiotics (thus reducing the Pill's effectiveness). I understand they have heated ones now. So, even though you are screwing Latex Man, at least it isn't Cold Dead Latex man.
So I made an appointment to see the OB-GYN regarding getting my tubes tied, especially since Gary's offer of a vasectomy was withdrawn after 12 hours.
Before the appointment, though, the next version of the form came out. "What," I joked before I read it, "I have to use three forms of birth control now?" The nurse and doctor laughed a shade too heartily and exchanged a look. Here's what the latest form says:
"You should use 2 forms of effective contraception simultaneously, at least one of which should be a primary form (see below):
Primary: Hormonal contraception, Tubal sterilization, Partner's vasectomy, IUD
Secondary: Male latex condom with spermicide, Diaphragm with spermicide, Cervical cap with spermicide, Vaginal sponge containing spermicide.
...Total abstinence is acceptable where the age, career, lifestyle, or sexual orientation of the patient ensures the prevention of pregnancy. "
So, here are some choices:
Become a Lesbian
Become a career Nun
Use a sponge (they make those again?) plus the Pill
Have a doctor install an IUD while I'm getting my tubes tied
Get my tubes tied and Gary's tubes tied
Get my tubes tied and use the Pill
Or, what I really want, which is to just go ahead and have whatever type of freak MONSTER babies that might come out. I would so totally keep it in the bathroom.