I hate my vibrator. Gary got it for me, and he always does great research and puzzling to determine what is the top of the line before he makes any important purchase. He went to usergroups and mailing lists and googled the best of the vibrators. He found a vibrator that had been featured on Sex In the City. He bought it. I hate it. Here is why:
Number 1: It is too BIG. Particularly here at the corona (Don't argue with me, I had to look it up.) I'd be fine if we didn't have this flare thing at this point. Getting it in: I have considered hammering it in with my shoe. Getting it out: the shape resembles those nasty O.B. tampons that gave women toxic shock. Unnecessary. Perhaps if they made uncircumcised vibrators we wouldn't have this issue.
Number 2: This should be my favorite part, except the committee of dimwit men who designed the Famous Jack Rabbit vibrator decided it would be more female-friendly if there was a bunny here. And I ask them, Why? Do you think I want to have sex with bunnies? Or porpoises? Or bear cubs? Or any other animal you shape this flange into?
Number 3: The web page described these white balls as pleasure pearls. I was intrigued until I turned it on and I flashed back to my childhood toy vacuum. It had plastic ping pong balls inside a clear plastic dome and as you ran it over the carpet the balls popped and bounced. It looked and sounded JUST like the pearls of pleasure. Total turn-off.
And Number 4: A Battery pack? Why? Why? Am I going out on the boat with this? Shall I take this out camping? If the power goes out do other women think "Yes, a thunderstorm, this would be a good time to enjoy my built-in entertainment system." I think it is safe to say I will be using this in close proximity to a power outlet; give me a power cord. However, keep the controls built in to the sides of the battery pack. It is nice to have the moving parts at variable speeds. There are two controls, one for the (sighs) bunny and one for the freaking gigantic shaft. The shaft twirls. Have the girls over. Set it up. Turn it on. It twirls like the Fickle Finger of Fate from Laugh-In.
Yes, I said it, Laugh-In. I am old. So old that when I tried to resolve the size issue with some lubricant I was unable to read the tiny directions on the bottle. I pulled my glasses to the end of my nose and thought "I need bifocals if I am going to read this lubricant bottle." It was a defining moment for me, I tell you.
Clearly a male-designed device. So, one Girl's Night Out we redesigned the vibrator. It was out because I needed a model I could use to sculpt a circumcised kosher hot dog. Then I left it on and oh, how it danced. The most vital modification, after de-circumcising it and adding a power cord, would be to have a button you could push to produce lubricant from a built-in well. And pick a different color. And heat the thing (easy, especially with the limitless power supply). Plus, it needs something you can squeeze and have it pant "Oh, God, you are so gorgeous, I will love you forever."
There you go, dimwit male committee. Get working on that.